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The Daily Prompt: Cut Off — When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?

*****

I guess for me the question would be, “When was the last time you DIDN’T feel really, truly lonely?”

Eating togetherI’m one of those people, and I suspect there are an awful lot of us out there if we were honest enough to admit it, that always feels like I’m on the outside looking in. Every time I see a beer commercial or a Chili’s commercial, ANY commercial where folks are sitting around a table laughing and having fun I get this lump in my stomach and I feel the loneliness welling up like the surf rolling in. And that’s totally crazy because we have a rather large group of long-time friends we do lots of that kind of hanging out with.

But weird as it seems, it’s still there. I talked about it in Saturday Night Empathy. I can be in a room full of our friends and yet feel all alone. I think some of us are just destined to be “watchers at the windows of life” when it comes to feeling included. Not sure why that is, but it seems to be true for a great many people I know. Too bad we can’t figure out why. Maybe then all of us could make up our own club or something!

I scribbled this in my journal over ten years ago, and the feeling was NOT new to me even then.

 

Windows…

Roosters
I could feel the familiar knot
forming in the pit of my stomach
as I paused outside of  Rooster’s
and peeked in at the Christmas
shoppers enjoying lunch…
and each other.
They seemed so happy,
so…connected,
and I sighed as the knot
tightened and tears threatened
to make their escape.
I made myself move on
so as not to appear odd.

Sometimes I feel as if
I’ve spent my whole life
looking through windows,
wanting but never having,
desiring to belong
but always feeling like
the outsider.

“What’s wrong with me?”
I asked myself
for the umpteenth time
as I trudged down the snow-packed
sidewalk with heavy heart and
heavy packages.

My life is full and busy…
What more does it take
to feel satisfied?
I have all I could ever need
and so much more.
What more does it take
to feel “a part of?”
I have lots of family and friends,
my church, my job…

Good questions, but for me,
no good answers.
For the simple truth is,
no matter how much
I have in my life,
no matter how many others
people my world day in, day out,
my soul still feels empty…
lonely… disconnected…

I guess some of us
are just meant to be
Watchers at the windows of life.

4/24/03