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It irritates me!

As much as I claim
to deny my child-held
religious beliefs about God,
I still have that burning
thirst to know God —
who or what God is,
how God thinks —
especially about me.

Is it only because
my self-esteem is so lacking
that I want to feel set apart?
More “worthy” than everyone else?
(At least more SOMETHING
than everyone else…)

Is it because
I want to be a part of
“that old time religion
my daddy used to know?”
To feel that unbroken link
that says “I belong?”

Or is it simply because
I want — finally in my life —
to feel accepted for who I am,
loved unconditionally just because?

stalking

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know.
I only know when I
try to get away from
the whole “God” thing,
I feel something —
someone stalking me
like a lion stalking its prey.

I can’t see it,
but I can feel its hot breath
on the back of my neck,
sense its energy
in the air around me,
hear it purring steadily,
quietly in my heart.

Should I remain in denial,
keep running
and never look back?
Or should I gather my courage
and turn to confront it —
whatever “it” is —
this strange presence that
haunts my waking thoughts?

The real question, I suppose,
is do I really WANT to know
who or what this is?

If I turn around to see,
will I be overwhelmed
with joy and love and peace
or disappointed the same way
I’ve been through so much of my life?
If I don’t know, I can’t
be disappointed, can I?

After disappointment
there is only despair.

But what if it’s really not God
breathing down my neck?
What if it’s really just me?