Since I was writing about playing yesterday, seems an opportune time to post something I wrote a long time ago. It was when I first realized I was unsure of being myself around people. It all began to feel like a game to me and I didn’t know how to stop playing and just be who I was. I’m learning now, but I still find myself reverting back to the old game sometimes.
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Hide & Seek
“Hide your eyes against the tree,
count to 10 then come find me!”
At hiding I was always best,
but I could never find the rest…
So I would seek both far and long
until “I give” became my song.
And then with eyes cast down in shame,
I’d sigh and say, “It’s just a game.”
But games that we can never win
have ways of hurting us again,
and to my sorrow now I find
this game’s become a friend of mine.
I play it now inside my heart
instead of in the yard or park.
And tho’ it’s hidden from your view
I play it every day with you.
I see you there beneath your tree
and offer you the gift of me.
And then embarrassed by my words
I pray you haven’t even heard.
I hide by rock or bench and wait
to see if you will hesitate.
The problem is you do not know
that I am hurting inside so.
No doubt you often wonder why
I give my heart then run and hide.
Confused and tired you walk away
perhaps to play another day.
And that is when I count the cost:
another “playmate” I have lost.
And crouching in my hiding place,
sorrow fills my tear-stained face.
How do I stop this stupid game
that causes me such anxious pain?
What must I do to get it right,
to bring my fears into the light,
that you might know me as I am
and I, in turn, might take your hand
and finally set my heart at peace
and stop this game of Hide & Seek.