Tags
blogging101, Creative Writing, Family, Journaling, Memories & Reflections, Repost, Writing 101, Writing Prompts
I don’t often check out the Daily Prompts these days. Like everyone else I had started finding them repetitive. But I stopped by The Happy Quitter just now and read Bridget’s post in response to today’s prompt and it stirred emotions in me — not just Bridget’s words, but the prompt itself. Please do stop by her blog and have a read. It was a beautiful post about the legacy her grandmother left her.
The prompt was: When Childhood Ends — Write about a defining moment in your life when you were forced to grow up in an instant (or a series of instants).
The prompt brought up some painful memories that are still rippling through my life nearly 60 years later. I’ve written about this before but it’s been awhile. If I had to choose one thing from my childhood that altered the course of my life — specifically my relationships with other people — it would be when my father walked out on our family for a time.
Though he returned not long after, I believe that event left me feeling vaguely responsible for every bad thing that ever happened in my life or the life of those I loved. Sometimes children are forced to grow up all too fast, to begin to take responsibility for others at an age when they’re not ready. Six years old was far too young to become responsible for the unhappiness of my parents. They were responsible for their own unhappiness, of course, but how is a six-year-old supposed to know that?
That experience not only left me with a free-floating feeling of guilt that sits on my shoulders like a mantle, but also a niggling fear that anyone I love will eventually leave. Contrary to trite advice, time does not always heal all wounds… I’m working to change those wrong messages that rattle around in my brain, but I gotta tell ya I still trip over those suckers a lot!
(Poem reposted from 2/28/15)
* * * * *
Trying
six years old,
she stands
by his side
and watches
her daddy
slip the letter
into the bible.
when i’m gone,
he says,
tell mommy
where this is.
she doesn’t
understand
why daddy can’t
give it to mommy
himself.
a hug, a big one.
daddy is crying.
she watches as he
hitches a bag
over his shoulder,
pulls the front door
shut behind him.
don’t go, daddy…
* * * * *
the letter made
mommy cry, too.
no… she
made mommy cry.
she was the one
who showed her
where it was.
she feels guilty,
though she doesn’t
know the word
or what it means.
don’t cry, mommy…
* * * * *
mommy
is angry now.
angry at her
she thinks.
mommy
doesn’t like me,
she thinks.
she knows what
that word means.
she hears mommy
and daddy not like
each other a lot.
mommy, please like me…
does daddy
not like her, either?
is that why he left?
was it
because of her?
oh, daddy, please like me…
* * * * *
mommy says
daddy’s coming home,
but she wonders
if daddy will leave again
if she’s not a
very, very good girl.
she doesn’t want
daddy to leave,
she doesn’t want
mommy to cry.
she doesn’t want
them to not like her.
why can’t jesus
fix the not likings
the way he fixed
the lame man
in her colored
sunday school paper?
maybe jesus
doesn’t like her, either,
because she
doesn’t know
how to be a good girl.
maybe no one
likes her.
maybe she’s just
not likeable.
she will spend
the rest of her life
trying to be likeable
so that daddy
won’t leave again,
and mommy
won’t cry anymore,
and jesus will
answer her prayers
when she prays.
* * * * *
a lifetime later
she’s still trying…
…only now it’s
with everyone.
Impromptu Promptlings 
I love the language you used. The emotion was clear. Becoming as a little child is a powerful and true place to write from. More feeling than thinking. Love you.
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Those feelings, though, are like flowers that only open for a short time and then wither and fade away. Hit and miss. If you don’t grab onto the words when they are right there at your fingertips, they can be gone in an instant. If the plant is fairly healthy it may send up other shoots, but one never knows…
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Even this answer is rich with meaning. You have a new perspective in that place. Very nice.
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I wonder when a child who feels as you described (do they all?) realized intellectually that none of what she believed about it being her fault, happened. Did it ever happen? I know we don’t often get things emotionally, even when we know intellectually the truth is that our beliefs are wrong… When do people stop blaming themselves for the decisions others make, that don’t have anything to do with them?
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Maybe some people never do get it. I’m 64 and I still struggle with this a lot. You’d think it’d be easier than that, wouldn’t you?
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Acceptance of and releasing what we have no control over, goes a long way toward being able to find and weave the intellectual knowing with the emotional uncertainty to transform that into what I call, ‘enough is enough of this gobblin mud.’ Sure’ you’ll meet that nay sayer self again, but you’ll begin to learn how not to own that which was not yours to own; that which belongs to others. It’s a process, and I believe you’re working that process right now.
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Very sad. I think parents are unaware of the damage it can cause when they don’t explain things. Hanging on to a marriage that doesn’t work is sometimes worse than dealing with a divorce. Nothing is forever, that’s one of the lessons we should learn when we are children.
You were left in the dark, what scared you and scared you for life. How much different would it have been if they would have sit down with you instead. Kids are not stupid, they understand most of the time.
Very sad, very sad~!
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You’re right about sitting kids down and talking to them. That happened in the early 50’s. We know so much more these days about how things like divorce affect kids. Hopefully we do a better job of communicating those important issues with them. That older generation — well, they just had no clue…
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At some point in life this could be every child’s poem. Thank you for sharing a part of you with us girl friend! *HUGS*
Luv Ya!
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Absolutely right… Haven’t you seen that one before? I think of all the things your grandkids have gone through with your daughter’s relationship being like a rollercoaster. Can’t help but wonder how it will affect them in the future, can you…
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Such a powerful post, and so sad. I’m sorry your father put you in that position. It was so wrong. I’m glad he came back, but there is no surprise that the impact of his decision to leave in that way would ripple throughout your life.
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Traumatic events are common in childhood. So different for everyone. We all have them to some degree or other. It’s just that sometimes they get the better of us and shape our personalities in dysfunctional ways. But we survive them most of the time. 🙂 Kids are pretty resilient and amazing, aren’t they? Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting, Karuna. I appreciate it.
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Yes kids are very resilient and amazing. And with support they can get through pretty much anything. And the lessons they learn either at the time, or much later after they have healed from the trauma, will serve them for a lifetime.
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We just need to become more adept at spotting signs of trauma earlier in their lives. Could save them a world of hurt later!
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Very true.
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(((((hugs)))))$
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(Does the dollar sign at the end of the hug mean I could make money off this post??? 😀 )
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LOL…SWEETIE I wish!!! A typo that I wasn’t fast enough to catch!!!
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😀 Couldn’t resist!
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Thank you for what you said and the poem. When Parents argue or there is some violence and as much as you try to shield your Children they hear, they see. My two Sons deny constant rows they witnessed affected them, as my late Husband and myself struggled to live a normal life coping with the constant interference of my Mother and Sister who lived with us, but I know it did I still see it in my Sons. Men they are now and still live at home, they look after me, when they should be living their own life, but I can see what damage I did and my late Husband not to mention my late Mother and my still Sister. I have to live with all that went on and am ashamed that two little Boys saw and heard too much, when as their Mother I should have protected them more. So please, please remember the Children.
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When we become aware of how much trauma can affect a child’s life (mainly because of our own pasts — yours was so difficult), I think we sometimes try to over compensate with our own kids. I know I did. I appreciate your insight, Anna. {{{Anna}}}
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This was so touching. It’s also a really important issue, one that many parents don’t think when they’re arguing etc, that the kids always blame themselves for it. Thanks for sharing this!
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It’s especially true in divorce. I watched it wreak havoc with my sister’s boys when she and her ex got divorced. Sometimes the children just get forgotten… Thanks for your comment, Laura. Very pertinent.
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Hi Calen,
I didn’t say so at the time, but will now: Your poem touched me so much and I thought if I could reach out and hug that little girl I would, and in doing so absorb the pain and make it go away. {{{Calen}}}
Clare
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Thanks, sweetie. I so appreciate the sentiments. {{{Clarebear}}}
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🙂
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