On October 11th it will be one whole year since I started this blog. I can say with all certainty that my answer to this question would have been somewhat different on that date. I’ve lived my whole life looking to other people to see what they expect from me. That’s how I found out WHO I was — at any given moment… It’s called mirroring, I believe. I’ve worn so many bloomin’ hats I couldn’t keep track of them all and even got them mixed up now and then.
When I was typing the prompt for this Sandbox post it suddenly turned into something a whole lot more complicated than I thought it would be IF I were to be totally honest. I realized wanting to impress people has been a never-ending job for me because I’ve never been confident in who I am as a person and I have this blackhole need in me to feel “a part of”, if that makes any sense. Oh sure, I have hats I wear that make me seem efficient and family oriented, halfway intelligent and full of all kinds of fluffy love. But as I pointed out yesterday in Learning to Receive, when the hats change, so do I. And sometimes I can’t drum up whatever it is that’s supposed to be underneath. At least that’s the way it’s been in the past. Not so much anymore.
In the past I would have changed hats to suit whatever group I ran into. That’s why I brought up the second question about different people to impress. Older folks I’m fairly myself with. Younger women scare the bloomin’ hell out of me! Men? Lordy… I wouldn’t touch those feelings of inadequacy with a ten-foot pole. BUT! I can honestly say that since starting this blog a year ago I have met the most amazing people who have helped me step out onto that long road to self-acceptance. I could never have imagined this site would turn into “Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood”, a place where I might find the freedom to become — MYSELF!
I’m beating around the bush here. The truth is, I would probably still want to put my best foot forward if I met that woman. And I would likely craft my personality to be something she would find pleasant. But I’ve come to that place where I don’t think I would violate my sense of who I have discovered I am, for I’m learning if folks don’t like the me I am then I’m not sure I’d want them in my life anyway. And you’ve ALL helped to lead me to that place through your invitations into your blogs and worlds and (in some special cases) into your hearts.
So would I try to be whatever I needed to be to impress her? I think my answer to that would be like putting together a resume. I would list the things that are my strengths for “the job”, but I wouldn’t lie about any of my qualifications. This was a wordy post to get to that short answer!
(Plato, Fim, Jane… I love you guys! Thanks for being part of my neighborhood.)