On Karl Duffy’s blog Mindfulbalance this morning, he posted a quote by Pema Chodron from her book Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears. Pema Chodron is an American Buddhist nun. She is resident teacher at Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia, the first Tibetan monastery in North America established for Westerners. She is also the author of many books and audiobooks, including the best-selling When Things Fall Apart and Don’t Bite the Hook.
I’m not familiar with Ms. Chodron at all, but I know that Fimnora at Quantum Hermit has a great respect for her. I must say the quote Karl Duffy posted really spoke to me and one of my difficulties.
Life’s energy is never static. It is as shifting, fluid, changing as the weather. How we relate to this dynamic flow of energy is important. We can learn to relax with it, recognizing it as our basic ground, as a natural part of life; Or the feeling of uncertainty, of nothing to hold on to, can cause us to panic, and instantly a chain reaction begins. We panic, we get hooked, and then our habits take over and we act in a very predictable way.
I groaned right out loud when I read that. The LAST part is so me. I can’t stand feeling uncertain about people, situations, the future… It scares the tar out of me and makes me over analyze everything in my life! It’s no wonder I feel exhausted so much of the time. Trying to stay out in front of things is a never-ending battle. I didn’t used to be this fearful of uncertainly. I can honestly say it’s getting worse the older I get.
Blogging on Word Press has really put my fear of uncertainty to the test. My first reaction to everyone I meet on here (in more depth than an idle comment here and there on a blog) is caution. I have to figure out the lay of the land, so to speak, as I have no way of observing the body language of another person. And as someone who is used to using people as mirrors (you might compare that to reading lips if you’re deaf) to know WHO to be at any given time, it requires a lot of me to develop these online relationships.
I’m getting better at it, but my legs still feel as wobbly as a baby colt’s. That feeling of having nothing to hold on to which then sets off a chain reaction of panic that sends me over the edge into self-doubt and even hiding is something I’ve been trying to conquer for the last year as I’ve blogged away on here.
With my whole being I want to learn to relax with life and begin to live more in the present. I don’t want my headstone when I die to say:
She was so busy regretting the past
and fearing the future that she
never learned to live in the moment.
So if you see me getting antsy for some reassurance in my relationship, friendship with you on here, just know that I am probably fighting another “uncertainty” battle. Be patient. It’s all a learning process. But at least that quote this morning made me feel like I can map out some of what’s happening in my brain. It’s always amazing to me the words I find on the blogs that really speak to my heart. I think I’m going to get on Amazon and buy one of Pema Chodron’s books!
Just out of idle curiosity, does anyone else struggle with emotions like this? Please share with me if you do.