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blogging101, Creative Writing, Journaling, Memories & Reflections, Poetry, Repost, Writing 101, Writing Prompts
I’m one of those people, and I suspect there are an awful lot of us out there if we were honest enough to admit it, that always feels like I’m on the outside looking in.
Every time I see a beer commercial or a Chili’s commercial, ANY commercial where folks are sitting around a table laughing and having fun I get this lump in my stomach and I feel the loneliness welling up like the surf rolling in. And that’s totally crazy because we have a rather large group of long-time friends we hang out with.
But weird as it seems, it’s still there. I talked about it in Saturday Night Empathy. I can be in a room full of our friends and yet feel all alone. I think some of us are just destined to be “watchers at the windows of life” when it comes to feeling included. Not sure why that is, but it seems to be true for a great many people I know. Too bad we can’t figure out why. Maybe then all of us could make up our own club or something!
I scribbled this little bit in my journal over ten years ago, and the feeling was NOT new to me even then. Nor has it ever changed.
Windows…
I could feel the familiar knot
forming in the pit of my stomach
as I paused outside of Rooster’s
and peeked in at the Christmas
shoppers enjoying lunch…
and each other.
They seemed so happy,
so…connected,
and I sighed as the knot
tightened and tears threatened
to make their escape.
I made myself move on
so as not to appear odd.
Sometimes I feel as if
I’ve spent my whole life
looking through windows,
wanting but never having,
desiring to belong
but always feeling like
the outsider.
“What’s wrong with me?”
I asked myself
for the umpteenth time
as I trudged down the snow-packed
sidewalk with heavy heart and
heavy packages.
My life is full and busy…
What more does it take
to feel satisfied?
I have all I could ever need
and so much more.
What more does it take
to feel “a part of?”
I have lots of family and friends,
my church, my job…
Good questions, but for me,
no good answers.
For the simple truth is,
no matter how much
I have in my life,
no matter how many others
people my world day in, day out,
my soul still feels empty…
lonely… disconnected…
I guess some of us
are just meant to be
Watchers at the windows of life.
* * * * *
THEDAILYPOST Nov 18, 2015
DAILY PROMPT:The Outsiders
Tell us about the experience of being outside, looking in — however you’d like to interpret that.
(Reposted from 4-24-15)
Impromptu Promptlings 
I felt that way a lot when I was younger. I don’t know if it’s due to getting older, or maybe it was from reading more literature about introversion such as Susan Cain’s _Quiet, the Power of Introverts in a world that can’t stop talking_, but I have started to have an attitude shift about the value of this trait. I still feel, at times, like I’m on the outside looking in, but I’m much less likely these days to beat myself up about that being a Bad Thing. There are truly advantages to being thoughtful and observant, to not jumping with both feet onto every bandwagon that passes by. Sometimes you’re an anthropologist. It’s also a writers’ persona: the observer of the human condition. When I notice I’m in this frame of mind, I’ll start taking mental notes for my next novel. When I notice I’m getting down and depressed about being in this frame of mind, then I look for other reasons. Maybe I’ve had too much to drink. Maybe I’m up too late and it’s time to go home. Maybe I’ve neglected some other aspect of self-care. Usually it’s some sensible, addressable temporary reason like that, not an existential crisis.
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Maybe I’ve neglected some other aspect of self-care. Usually it’s some sensible, addressable temporary reason like that, not an existential crisis. You know I don’t believe I’ve ever looked at it quite like that. It really gives me something to think about. Thanks, Karen. That’s a bit of an epiphany. (I’m glad I finally realized I’d lost you, btw!)
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I think we’re conditioned to believe that we should not only BE social, but should want to be. It’s a competitive situation where in someone will always feel left out. Goodness knows I have felt OUT more than not. I’ve been in groups, but I do much better one on one. I don’t seek out the in-crowd. I wouldn’t fit in anyway. But I don’t have the same interests. Still, I may have found times in my life that I’ve felt I FOUND my niche, yet, to be honest, I don’t make the effort to become part of it all. I flitter about the fringes. It’s where I’m comfortable, and the sense that I wish I could be like them, was something left over from what was hammered into me by at least one parent, and teachers, and who knows who.
Now, I’m happy to have found folks here, it’s safer – oddly – and I can be out there, and then hunker back down into my cozy place. *shrug* JMTC
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I had never thought about actually being conditioned to believe we should be social. That’s really something to think about. Thank you, Fim! ❤
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You’re quite welcome, Calen. 🙂 Sadly conditioning is built into the way of the world. We’re influenced by so much, whether it is people we know, or people we admire who are acting out parts which have been written by others. Influence is a powerful thing on the young mind. Then we’re hooked. Conditioned response becomes a knee jerk reaction. You can’t help it.
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A very interesting piece, emotions such as this are also intimately represented in art (one of my personal favourites being ‘Wanderer Above a Sea of Fog’).
Best, Matt
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Sounds like something I need to look up! Thanks for telling me about it, Matt.
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Beautiful picture, Matt. You have great taste in art!
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Thank you, I’m generally fond of the fairly popular art of the Romantics… What kind of art do you like?
Best wishes, Matt
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I don’t know much at all about art, but I know what I like (sort of like classical music). I must tend toward the romantics, too, as I love John William Waterhouse’s work. Like this one: Miranda, the Tempest.
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Yes it certainly is much easier on the internet, I can talk away as you can see but it is something else to be face to face is it not.
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I’m ok after that getting to know you phase is over with face to face. 🙂
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I know how you feel. I think people like us have learned this attitude sometime very early on and have trouble shaking it even when it’s become redundant.
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Maybe so… I’ve been that way since grade school. Do you figure it’s an either/or deal, or are there some folks in the middle?
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Probably loads of folks in the middle? Most personality traits etc. follow the Bell curve with most people in the middle.
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Well, if I had my druthers… That’s where I’d be. The middle.
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You might be more there than you’d think. At least for me, this thought of being an outsider is more in my head than anything real. Maybe you just need to see things differently, although I know it’s not easy.
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I get that. (That means you have to use some of that really hard self talk, right!)
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I was living in a house with 4 other people and I was lonely. I’m no longer lonely, but like Anna, I’m a loner. I have more acquaintances than friends. It guess that’s the introverted extrovert in me!!! lol
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I seriously get that introverted/extroverted thing. I can be find with our circle of friends, but there are also times when I’m with them that I don’t feel a part of them. It’s obviously more to do with me than them, I guess…
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I’ve always said ‘it’s me’ … Not everyone gets it, and that’s ok. I’ve grown weary trying to explain it, and quite honestly I don’t feel as if I should have to.
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I was working and thinking about your post and the way it made me feel. I think we all are outsiders and insiders at different times. While you might look at me sitting there with my crazy friends laughing my butt off, I might be looking at you at an airport when you hug your Grandchild. We often want what others have and overlook how often others look at us in envy in situations where we don’t expect it.
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I think that’s a very good point. I always picture you as the belle of the ball, though! 😀
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Not really. I am a people person and can talk with anybody and everybody about everything and nothing. 🙂 But…I although love to sit back and watch people. I do have a very loud laughter (not ladylike) it attracts people, I am never sure if they laugh with me or about me, but it’s nice 🙂
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This resonates so deeply with me.
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You hide it well, Lori. Your words are always so strong and self-assured. But I guess we do get good at hiding it after so long, don’t we…
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Perhaps some are sensitive and aware of how confining and shallow culture and many of its activities are. Maybe some stay on the outside cause their souls are too large to fit and be content with so small a space.
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That is a very understanding comment.
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Good morning Princess 🙂
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You are far too kind. How is all your wonderful outside work going?
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I’ve finished for now. Have a couple inside projects to start.
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What you have done is very impressive, you certainly work very hard. Take care of yourself, I hope your Family are all well.
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Thank you sugar
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Maybe the first one is the cause of the second one… 🙂
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The way you look at things makes me so sad.
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I know, Bridget. It’s hard to understand when you’re such an “up” person all the time. I really admire that about you.
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You are a Loner it seems, not the same as being lonely. I am a Loner always have been, but am never lonely.
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I think you’re made out of stronger stuff than me, Anna. As busy as I stay I still feel lonely and invisible a lot.
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I fully understand feeling invisible, I could walk in a room full of people stand in the centre of them and feel invisible, I think my being a Loner stems from childhood does yours? Why do you feel lonely you can talk to people all the time, they talk to you. Maybe I do have some inner strength have been told that enough times but I have yet to believe it. We are a right pair so to speak. My late Husband used to tell people “life is very exciting with Anna you never know what is coming next” I was never sure if that was a compliment or not – I never found life exciting! You are most outgoing, but shy inside?
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I’m pretty shy until I get to know a person, then I can be quite outgoing. It’s easier on the internet for some reason. I think you should take David’s comment as a compliment. We must keep our men on their toes after all! LOL
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