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I was having a discussion with my friend the other day about why, when I say what I feel I need (or want, for that matter), I get an awful pain in my gut and heart. His response was: “I am guessing you don’t say that much (what I feel I need or want) because you feel you need to do or be something to someone to be loved.” His comment made me think a lot about my restless search for significance.
It actually brought up an old struggle I’ve had in my thinking for years. We raised our family in a conservative church, and the idea of selfless giving was at the forefront of our Sunday School studies, sermons, etc. I began to feel if my “left hand knew what my right hand was doing” (to quote scripture that I’m too lazy to go look up for a reference right this second), then any kindness I “committed” didn’t count.
I remember trying to give someone a Bible without her knowing who had given it to her. I left it on her porch when she wasn’t home. She did figure it out, however, and part of me thought that made the gift “null and void” somehow. And for some reason I began to be suspect of every good thing I did for someone. Did I do these things because I really wanted to help, or because I wanted the person to like me? Because I wanted to feel good about myself, significant in some way? Was I running my friend Linda’s girls to dance every week just to help out because she had a daycare business in her home and couldn’t leave to get the girls there, or did I want her to think I was this great, selfless person for doing so?
Years later after we moved to a different church because our old one was tired and decided to close, I came to have a clearer understanding of why a person would do something nice for someone. I realized it’s ok to feel good about what you may have done. Is that part of the incentive? Am I a “feel-good junkie?” I could just as easily be a control freak!
But what my friend said to me the other day was also very true. And it made me wonder if that was a learned behavior on my part. Somewhere along the line when I was young, did I learn that if you wanted someone to like or love you, you had to do something for them? Perform for them perhaps? I’m guessing the answer is yes.
One of the strongest memories I have of this sort of thing is from my senior year in high school. My relationship with my mom, which I’ve talked about on here, was not the best. I think we were just too much alike! I had come home the last day of my senior year with a beautiful trophy for having been chosen Outstanding Business Student of the Year. Before I even made it to the house my mom was out the door, down the driveway, and throwing her arms around me. It left me in shock. I couldn’t remember the last time she had even hugged me. I think it was cemented in my mind that day that being successful was the way to earn her love.
So the question I’m left with, as I’m working through a journal called The Castle of the Pearl by Christopher Biffle, is how do I undo that behavior, that idea of having to earn someone’s love? This is a big one for me, and obviously has a lot to do with my struggles with God the past many years, because as a believer I realize that no matter WHAT I do, I can’t earn that love. It’s given freely. Percy and I have talked a lot about it as we’ve continued our journey this weekend.
I guess what I’m wondering, too, is if any of YOU guys struggle with feeling that way?
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Picture Credit:
Girl — nomadicalsabbatical.com
Heart — www.wallpaperama.com
Percy — personal
OMG Calen… I’ve explored this so many times in my life. I craved acceptance and significance as a child because I didn’t get it at home. I became a doer for others, a people-pleaser and often did things for others when I didn’t have the time or money. Did I do it for their love? I still don’t know the answer to that. I always thought that I did things because I wanted to, but sometimes I just don’t know. Maybe I will never know for sure. Thanks again for another insightful and pondersome post. I am learning so much from you!
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Just remember, Lori, we’re learning together! I love having fellow pilgrims with me on the journey. 🙂
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Thanks for the reminder, Calen 🙂 It is a lot nicer having fellow pilgrims 🙂
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I agree, change can only come through unconditional love for ourselves and when we totally accept and embrace whatever we find within ourselves…that allows a space for us to feel safe enough and loved enough to overcome our shame, or pain, or conditioning…such an honest and beautiful post and answers from everyone…blessings to you all.
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I do wonder if anyone ever really gets there…
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You asked: And it made me wonder if that was a learned behavior on my part?
I wonder how could it not be a learned behavior. So much, if not everything we are, is learned, from our parents, the houses of worship we attend, our teachers, our friends, colleagues. But that doesn’t mean we can’t unlearn it, which is the focus of your post. The possibilities are endless on HOW to unlearn such things.
It begins, however, with you making a commitment to yourself to work on making that change, which you have been. Change takes time, sometimes it seems we’re not changing until the moment we see that we’ve broken a way of being, and allowed ourselves to become authentic; to live more beautifully.
{{{Calen}}} you have the courage. I see it.
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Yep, well that’s a big part of doing Castle of the Pearl again. I hope I can sort it all out in my head someday. ❤
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Cheryl, Red wine does that for me, half a glass and I am so tired. Try one of my G&Ts one day, more gin and just a little tonic – one of those and I sleep. One day we will both find that peaceful life we so desire. You are a good caring person don’t ever change that or wish you were not that.
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Well when I meet you we are NOT going to play drinking games to see who can drink who under the table! LOL I love you, too, Anna! {{{Anna}}}
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One drink and I am gone. XX
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You know Cheryl, that I am going to say YES, I agree with what you say. Maybe there is a weakness in some of us that the only way to be wanted/liked/accepted let alone loved is to do all we can to secure that love. Even at the end of someone’s life you are still trying to please still trying to give what you have to secure that love. Some people return the love you are seeking if it is love that you want – some never give back and you have to live with that. We try to please because that is who we are.
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Trouble is, when that is “who we are” as you say, we are constantly feeling like we’re lacking in some way. Don’t measure up. I don’t WANT to live the rest of my life like that. I want to believe I AM enough just as I am (though I actually fear — as Johnny Deep put it in “Alice in Wonderland” — I have too much muchness most of the time!). I want to be at peace about who I am. I just ordered myself a cup I designed with a dragonfly on it. The word above the dragonfly is EMBRACE, and below is IMPERFECTION. I WANT to EMBRACE who I am in all my brokenness. After all — as Plato is fond of pointing out what Leonard Cohen says — that’s how the light gets in!
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Do you think people like us can ever be at peace with ourselves, we can try and convince ourselves we are, do you think that is enough. We cannot change completely what we are like deep down, I have been described as “too soft” and yes I am, I would rather be that than hard. A Doctor told me once I had vulnerability written across my forehead, people use me I don’t see it most of the time. We care for other people and not ourselves, you and I Cheryl, but that is us. Can we change, do we want to – we are not lacking in anything to hell with people who cannot see what is inside us the real us, the caring loving us that is far more important than being this “big show off” like some – for those that see us as we are we are far more important, believe me. Look at you a complete stranger to me a year ago yet you have embraced me, mean more to me than my own Sister see what you have made me see in you THAT IS IMPORTANT.
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I am so happy, Anna, that we got to know each other. You satisfied a life-long dream for me! And you ask a very good question about whether or not we can ever find that peace. I don’t know. If I could change one thing about my personality that would then make life more peaceful for me, I would wish to be a bit more laid back and not so intense and serious all the time. (Unfortunately it takes at least TWO glasses of wine to get me there, and then I never get to enjoy it because I fall asleep! 😀 )
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I don’t think I have the same problem, but I can relate. I can relate to wondering whether I really am this way, or is it just what I want people to believe about me. But actions are really important. Where your body leads, your heart follows. The good you do is good no matter what. And while it’s healthy to question yourself, I think it’s also healthy to be kind toward yourself.
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😊 Now I always heard it was where your heart leads your body follows. 😀 yeah, I gotta be a bit kinder to myself. That post didn’t come out exactly like I was really feeling. Rolls eyes…
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I think this depends on the environment that surrounds you and how you perceive it to work. If I didn’t have to work would I? This would all depend on what your personal definition of work is. I am very conscious of this topic you write about, it also perhaps has me do things that I wouldn’t do just to create different perspective. But as earlier commented I would agree that many of us try to figure this out.
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Hey my friend! It’s so good to see you back. I’ve been hoping all is well with you and your family. Good to have you “home.” And thanks for the comment. I’ve missed your insights. {{{J}}}
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Thanks so much, I did have to take some time to put some of my words in action. But I’ve kept writing just haven’t posted, much for all to see. But Ive decided to keep it fresh, still working on an about me page, finally got a blurb for mygravatar though 😁. Good to see your still going strong I am aiming for this type of consistency
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Btw, did you take your site down?
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I thought about starting anew kind of like a naming issue, but I decided to keep what I already started
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I clicked on your link but it said the page was down. Is that cause you’re workin’ on it then?
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Really let me check that out I’m using my phone I’ll go online and see
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It should be working https://jmdleflore.WordPress.com. oh man I hope no one else is experiencing this issue
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I had an incorrect link for you on my blogroll. I have jmd398.wordpress.com. I’ll have to go in and change it on my page. I still show that I’m following you, though. I probably just put it in wrong.
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Oh no I did change the link a while back with my last name, one day when I’m published hopefully that last name will look familiar
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Well, I’ll have to mail you my copy so you can sign it personally!!! 😀
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😁 that’s definitely something to look forward to!
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I think you are in search of constant approval. I hope there will be a day when you will hold your head up high and tell the rest of the world, “Look, this is who I am…deal with it. I love myself unconditionally including my past and with all the flaws I think I have.”
Love yourself unconditionally, then it won’t matter what others think anymore.
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I know you’re right, Bridget. I am SO trying to get there. I’m hoping doing this journal for a second time I will have a lot more insight into that part of me that needs to be let out of her cage. 🙂 I think I’m a bit afraid of the wildness in her.
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Put a sticky note on your mirror that says “I love myself unconditionally,” and say it every morning a few times. Give it a try. What exactly are you afraid of if you don’t mind me asking?
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I’m not afraid of anything… I think it’s more a problem of unlearning unhealthy responses to some of my behaviors. I need a bit more understand of them and intervention into them to make saying “I’m okay just as I am” believable. I know that’s hard for you to understand. You’re a very strong and confident person. You’re a GREAT role model, Bridget!
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I am glad that you aren’t afraid. Just let loose and unleash the beast 🙂
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LMBO! You’re a wild one, aren’t you girl!
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Not at all. I was alone without family from age 18 on until I met my husband two years later.I think the realization that it is jut me with (or against) the rest of the world, made me who I am today.
I was twice on the brink of dying, that was although a game changer. I live for today and I live to the fullest. It is indeed called “Present,” because it is a gift.
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Actually, I think the not even learning to rely on myself is part of my issue. I went right from my folks’ house to my own with no time to learn to do for me. I honestly fear how it will be for me if Drollery passes before I do. The idea of living alone terrifies me.
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Living without the one you love terrifies all of us, but living alone shouldn’t.
The idea of loosing my husband takes my breath away, but one of us will go first and the way it looks like there is a 50:50 chance it will be him.
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Well, that’s a HUGE phobia of mine.
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I have a question. I need somebody to proof read my webpage because I didn’t pay too much attention to the text when I designed it.
Would you / could you do it? Would you be interested?
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I’ll give it a shot. Let me. What I have to do. I’m out the door for awhile now. Leave me the particulars.
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you can email me at Fabric_magic@yahoo.com and I send you the link to my webpage, would that work?
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❤️
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This is a great post. Like you, my relationship with my mother was certainly not the best. I swear that is why I’ve always gone out of my way to gain acceptance and have others like me. The turning point for me was having children. Only then did I realize that they were the only ones who truly mattered for me. Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends. I honestly do. And where I come from, you “do” for those who you like and love–it has nothing to do with a pat on the back or acceptance or anything like that.
As I’ve aged, I’m finding out that I don’t have to please everyone anymore. I know this is going to sound selfish as all get out, but it’s more important for me to please myself. Only then can I move on to please others.
You are a wonderful person and you are significant to many of us. I look to your writings as inspirational–whether I give you a “like” or a comment. You always make an impact!! Big hugs to you!
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I know this is going to sound selfish as all get out… Nope, Catherine, it doesn’t sound selfish at all. I think I am just on the brink of learning what Jesus meant when he said, love your neighbors AS yourself. Which, I’m guessing, is one reason why I’ve always questioned my actions. I sure as heck have NOT been loving myself. So I think that sounds really healthy. You’re a doll! {{Catherine}}}
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I think many people do. Human beings put so many “strings” on their love. It makes it hard for us to envision God as all-loving. But I think the more I work on that image, the more I can get past some of the debris caused by human failure to love.
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That’s a beautiful answer, Lori. Thank you for that comment. {{{Lori}}}
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