Day 42 — Solitude
Oh gosh… This is a hard one for me. I don’t deal well with solitude. I like my ME time now and then. Even feel starved for it from time to time. But that’s a very different kind of alone than solitude.
When we go up to our cabin and the guys go fishing and I’m left alone for the whole day, I’m usually about ready to crawl out of my skin by the time they get back. Fact is, being alone enough for me to call it solitude leaves me anxious and unsettled.
Two things can happen to me. If I’m TRYING to
pretend I want to experience a time of solitude it probably looks like this:
No matter how much I want to meditate, concentrate, even sleep, it’s as if there’s this giant ME in my head thinking it’s a great time to have a chat! For awhile I practiced a bit of meditation, but I could only stay quiet as long as I was swattin’ at thoughts like flies as they whizzed by. Even chanting a mantra or praying a breath prayer didn’t help. So you can imagine I don’t choose to do that very often.
The other thing that USUALLY happens is more like this:
I just get very, very lonely. Then I get depressed. Then I get a bit weepy. Then Drollery may come home from work and find me in a puddle on the floor. He hates that ’cause then he feels like HE has to be sociable when all he really wants to do is have a cookie and read the paper. (He has quite the repertoire of “sighs” to punctuate his exasperation! )
So I can’t say much about solitude. Thinking about it, though, does make me wonder how Jesus felt when he was in the garden praying and all his friends fell asleep. I’m guessing he was feeling pretty depressed and lonely, too.
The eternal quest of the
individual human being is to
shatter his loneliness.