For so long I kept my struggle with the things of faith buried in my head and heart, concealed from friends and those I knew at church, and even from my family at times. I thought if I just hung in there long enough — kept going to worship, kept attending Sunday School class, kept being involved in ministry — that the fog would eventually clear and my faith would become strong and impenetrable again.
Troubled was, I was keeping a lot of my doubts and questions concealed from myself as well. I struggled with that very thing through the 47 days of Lenten posts I just did. And I came to realize that when you keep those honest questions buried inside you, it can just plain make youself sick. For me it was about spirituality, for others it could be something totally different — fears, abuse, habitual behaviors.
The ability to be honest about what we think and feel within the boundaries of acceptable behavior — I didn’t want to hurt anyone through my own wandering and seeking — doesn’t come naturally to most of us. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that. It’s a learned skill. And you have to practice at it so it becomes a habit. For me that means not just with faith-related matters, but with my own truth in all my life. And that’s a damn hard thing to learn.
But I’m convinced until we learn to do that, we’re probably concealing the very person we really are from those around us, but more importantly from ourselves.
* * * * *
I removed the picture that was on here that disturbed me so much. Oneta mentioned that it detracted from the post. She was right. So I’ve had my hissy fit now. If you’re interested in what it was, you should be able to find it on the link below.