Though I’m STILL running way behind on “blog stuff” here, I’m getting there. I have to catch up A LOT on reading blogs for the A to Z Challenge, but the fog is starting to clear. I just hope the light I’m seeing at the end of the tunnel isn’t the proverbial “oncoming train!”
So on to The Sandbox Writing Challenge 36 for last week, Lonely.
I read through about a zillion definitions of lonely on the internet. I read all the posts people contributed. Shannon’s totally undid me. Though I would never have thought to use the word lonely to describe missing the times when your kids were small, it was extremely profound for me. I realized there are so many ways to feel lonely. But in trying to pare it down to the origin of what it is for me, I think I came up with a core answer.
I’m such a contradictory personality. (It’s because I’m a Gemini born on the cusp of Taurus so there’s three of us in here! It’s very noisy in my head!) One minute I’m whining I feel all alone and lonely, the next I want everyone out of the house so I can have some privacy!!! But I’ve decided the thing that makes me feel the loneliest is when I need help and there’s no one there to count on.
Now I’m not saying my family and friends aren’t there for me. Lord knows I have tons of support. I’m talking about the times when I need to get somewhere and I don’t have the car or I could use help with something and there’s just no one around because Drollery, Bran, and all my friends still work!
I think true loneliness for me is when I’m standing at that threshold and look out over my life and realize I’m pretty much on my own at that moment to take care of whatever needs taken care of, that there’s no one there to lend a hand. Those times really tap into my feelings of vulnerability. It’s much the same as I was talking about in the A to Z Challenge prompt yesterday, that idea of fearing to be at someone else’s mercy at the end stages of my life. Yet this is even one step removed from that because it’s something that’s happening right now on a fairly frequent basis.
This post is pretty clumsy. I don’t have it all sorted out in my head yet. Honestly it took a lot of spelunking in my “soul cave” to uncover that feeling. But it really gives me pause for thought about how to deal with those times. I’ve still got some pondering to do about it… Maybe more later…