For some reason I don’t understand, I haven’t wanted to listen to music lately. I used to enjoy Fimnora’s Monday Music Medicine Show so much. In fact, I had my own Saturday Sing-a-long feature for several months. For years I wanted a car with a cd player in it. Now we have one, and yet I never take any cd’s with me when I go out.
This lack of music caught my attention a few weeks ago when I realized I wasn’t listening to any music that had words. If I did put a cd on while doing dishes, it was mood music. In the car I listen to the classical radio station.
I’ve always listened to music when I “formally” sit down to write. If I really wanted to get lost and energized, I’d listen to the “Conan the Barbarian” soundtrack. I love the varying musical moods on it. If I was feeling romantic, I’d listen to “Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini” by Rachmaninoff. If I were sad I’d listen to the “Schindler’s List” score or “Appassionata” by Secret Garden. But lately I’ve not wanted to listen to anything.
Then this morning in my Daily Calm book I read a quote by Christina Rossetti:
Silence is more musical
than any song.
It gave me pause to realize that while I’ve been sitting here in my “cave” in the silence piecing together these broken pot shards of my soul, I HAVE been listening to music. The music of my heart. I suspect the background noise of life (including the blaring cacophony that accompanies EVERY program on TV anymore to the point you can’t even hear the bloomin’ dialogue over it) has been drowning out my own life’s score for a good long time leaving me feeling nervous and unsettled. In fact, I’d forgotten what my music sounded like. Or that it even existed. I’ve been in danger of losing the melody of my heart altogether.
I had thought this time secluded in the deeps of my cave would drag on and on, that I would become impatient to be done. Impatient to put me back together, no matter how imperfectly, so I could get on with my life. But sitting here listening to the silence I’ve realized this IS my life to a certain extent, this constant adapting and reinventing. And, if I listen closely, I DO hear musical strains carried on the echoes of my movements and sighs, my occasional laughs and exclamations of wonder as I discover something new about myself.
Sitting here I’ve realized my soundtrack is all jumbled from years of busy-ness and self-neglect. I miss the real music of my life before I was so bogged down with the cares of family rearing and what others thought of me. And I’m wondering if it’s time to put a new play list together. I guess I need to start paying attention as I’m cementing these pieces in place. Paying attention to the celebratory pieces as well as the dramatic overtures and the quiet simple strains of peace. Those melodies are all parts of my life the same as those emotions are all parts of my heart.
Tomorrow Bran will be working all day and I’ll have the house to myself. Maybe it would be a good time to lay my artifact work aside and drag out all my cd’s and vinyls and try to find my way back to that time when life was far more carefree and anticipatory. God knows I really could use a good mix of that kind of music as we approach Drollery’s retirement date!
Have you ever stopped long enough to be still and hear what the theme of the music of YOUR life is? No? Try this: (So sorry! Percy made me do this! 😀 )
(This is apparently my song. Bridget and Anna, I can hear you guys laughing all the way out here!. 😀 )