I found Roberta Allen’s Sandbox Writing Challenge #43 prompt this week intriguing because that very thing has been on my mind for awhile now. I’ve been thinking a lot about my journals lately — or should I say my ADDICTION to journaling? In particular about how I’ve changed, especially over the last 13 years, since I’ve been doing them. So I went back and reread some of my blogs from 2014 when I started blogging and guess what! I can see change there as well.
The thing I’ve found with blogging is that since none of you had any preconceived notions about who or how I am, I was able to relax (finally) and just start being who I felt I was deep inside. For nearly 20 months now I’ve been working in my “cave” piecing together some of the “artifacts” that I’ve found to see what I really am like. And I can honestly say I am pleased with what is taking shape “down” there.
This person who is emerging is someone I like and with whom I feel comfortable. You have NO WAY of knowing what a BIG step even being able to say that is for me. What a surprise! I like myself!!! Oh, I still have some spare pieces that don’t seem to fit anywhere just yet, but I reckon it’s like working a jigsaw puzzle. I have the frame put together and large chunks of the picture filled in, but I’m still discovering and sorting and trying shapes out here and there. It’s an ADVENTURE, plain and simple.
But here’s the “divided” part. As I’ve gotten to know myself better, I’ve begun to change at home. The changes were barely noticeable at first, but the more comfortable I get with me, the more I want to hurry up and be like that all the time. The problem is, folks at home have some issues with my new-found pieces, and when I drag them out (like for Show-n-Tell at school), they’re not necessarily on board with the “new me.” They want me to be the way I’ve always been. They know what to expect from THAT me. Sometimes I must seem a bit of a stranger to them, especially Drollery.
So that leaves me in a bit of a pickle. Do I do what I need to do to keep peace at home, or do I keep “digging, finding, and assembling” and move forward into this brave new world of me? I suppose that’s a round-about way of saying, is change worth the disruption it causes at home? I am plainly “divided” about it. After going on 45 years of marriage is it even wise to rock the boat?
Does being the new, renovated me make me happy? Yes! But it also makes me sad because of the ripples of discontent it creates in others. So I have a choice to make every time I come to one of those forks in the road where I can choose to react to something the way the old me would or the way the new me would. My mind is divided.
Obviously all the “pot shards” I’ve found in my cave aren’t fitting together perfectly. They never will. I have to learn to live with that. And I’ve even realized some of the pieces don’t fit anymore and need to be discarded. But at least I can take comfort in and be warmed by the light that’s shining out through those cracks. I’m very grateful for that light of God’s grace in my life that’s helping me to learn to feel my way carefully in the dark at home. Hopefully someday BOTH of the me’s will be integrated and that “dividing line” will be no more.