I LOVE quotes. I have a quote journal that I’m adding quotes to all the time. But every now and then I run across one that raises the hackles on the back of my neck. (And those DON’T go in my journal!) That happened last night while reading one of Raili’s posts over at soulgifts — Telling Tales. The post, Words, is a list of quotes, MOST of which I DO have in my journal. But the Eleanor Roosevelt quote she used never fails to set my teeth on edge.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
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— Eleanor Roosevelt
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This quote really touches a nerve somewhere deep within me. I don’t believe what it says is true, for one thing. And for another, I believed, just like with scripture, someone has taken it out of context and used it to suit their own purpose. So maybe my response to it was wrong? I decided to do some poking around to see where the quote was first used. I found out that was a whole lot easier said than done. Until I ran across…
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What I found on Quote Investigator was the history of how the quote came to be. It was a response by Eleanor Roosevelt to the press about a big flap over a speech that was to be given at the University of California, Berkeley in 1935 by the Secretary of Labor in the Roosevelt administration. Seems the lady that normally hosted the event had her nose out of joint because the SoL wasn’t political enough for her, so she declined to host it that year.
Long story short, the happening made its round of the press and some folks were feeling the SoL had been snubbed. The press reported Eleanor as saying:
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“A snub” defined the first lady, “is the effort of a person who feels superior to make someone else feel inferior. To do so, he has to find someone who can be made to feel inferior.”
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She made clear she didn’t think the labor secretary fell within the category of the “snubable.” (excerpt from an Associated Press article)
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So after a long history of being reprinted here and there, the quote finally ended up in its present form by 1940. (If you’re interested, you can follow the history of that metamorphosis at the link above for the Quote Investigator.)
In the end, that history didn’t change my feelings about the quote. I still disagree with it. Why? For the simple reason I believe we are conditioned to feel inferior (albeit not intentionally in most families) from a very young age when we have no control whatsoever over whether we believe something or not. If an adult implies it (or our older siblings maybe) it must be true. I think our schools are horribly guilty of this.
Adults seem all-knowing to children. That’s why it’s so easy for them to abuse children and make the child feel like the abuse is his/her fault. And once we have taken on those feelings as gospel truth, I think they haunt us for the rest of our lives. I don’t believe it’s a matter of “letting” someone else make us feel inferior. It’s a learned behavior that is harder than heck to fix because we believe it at our core. Just seeing the hundreds and hundreds of articles on it when I asked the almighty Google when we start feeling inferior, I KNOW that’s true.
Okay. So maybe I’m just super sensitive to this particular subject because I’m one of those grown children who has felt inferior all my life. And a lot of times it’s pert near crippled me when it came to doing/trying new things, meeting new people, etc.
So am I alone in my dislike of this particular quote? And do any of you guys have quotes that just don’t sit well with you? I’d love to hear about that! (Especially now that I’ve had a bit of a rant about THIS one! 
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Picture Credits:
Eleanor Roosevelt — www.wnyc.org
Quote Investigator Header — http://quoteinvestigator.com/
Young Girls — wolipop.detik.com
Impromptu Promptlings 
I know this is an old post, but I’m just back from traveling and I wanted to comment and thank you for writing it. I agree with you, although I think my feelings have come to be “mixed” too at this point.
I can see the point people are trying to make, but I’ve had things like that quote used on me in a kind of reflexive, “what’s wrong with you” way to just make me feel bad all over again. As in “what’s wrong with you that you’re letting something bother you, what’s wrong with you that you are ‘consenting’ to be made to feel inferior?”
Two other quotes that I dislike for the same reason are “Let it roll off you like water off a duck’s back.” (I always felt like responding, “but I’m not a duck!”) and “Life isn’t fair.” It was a bit of a revelation to me to hear from someone once that they felt *comforted,* as opposed to put down, by being told that life isn’t fair.
When I hear “life isn’t fair,” my mind immediately goes to the unspoken assumption that there is something wrong with me for caring about, and valuing, fairness. And I am so stupid and selfish and foolish to believe that I deserve to be treated fairly. I know that’s not what people mean when they say that “life isn’t fair”, but it’s what I hear nonetheless.
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Thanks for your comments, Karen. I always think I’m being weird for feeling that way, but if others feel negative toward those kinds of comments, then I guess it’s not just me! (Actually I hate any kind of comment that’s just plain trite, period.)
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Great Post Calen and so insightful. I agree, not everything needs to be fixed or can be actually. It’s what we do with how we feel that matters. Too many shoulds and shouldnots out there! (if I feel inferior I will just love myself more…all settled…). And I like the comments about Dr Phil and the lack of just allowing…being…and loving unconditionally…hugs! xx
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Hey there! Have been wondering how things are going, how the kids are doing. Will email you.
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It’s interesting, as I was reading how the quote had changed, it reminded me of the ‘telephone’ game. How something can be said, and each successive person changes it slightly (unknowingly, perhaps), until you get something that’s not quite what it was mean to say)…
One thought on the conditioning theory… if something can be learned, it can also be unlearned. But first, we have to know that it was learned in the first place, to realize we can unlearn it. Don’t know if that is applicable here, but it’s what came into my head. 🙂
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Yes, I think you’re right. Its just really hard reconditioning yourself, isn’t it…
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It’s very hard, but we’re worth it. That’s what keeps me trying.
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Inferiority is a state that does need to be unlearned. So I agree with you there, Lady C. I was fortunate to grow up in a home where mistakes were encouraged as a means of progressing. So I guess when I got out in the world and found others belittling me it hurt all the more; I wasn’t toughened up for it. Gradually I grew to realize that like everyone I have a unique set of strengths and weaknesses. But it does take a lot of energy to maintain a healthy sense of self worth if it is under constant fire. If a person cares about me they will accept this package of strengths and weaknesses and not try to mold it to be their own. And to be loving myself I should offer that same courtesy. Great topic.
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“If a person cares about me they will accept this package of strengths and weaknesses and not try to mold it to be their own. And to be loving myself I should offer that same courtesy. Great topic.” That’s a beautiful answer, LuAnne. We should all strive to be that way with each other. I think it’s the triteness of the quote that irks me as much as the words. Life is seldom so simple.
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Great post Calen. I have mixed feelings about this quotation. When I first came across it I agreed. It made me feel as if I had the power to decide for myself that I was in charge of my feelings and reactions . Then I realised it had, as you clearly articulated, some problems. I also discovered it can be used against you, as in, ‘You feel inferior? Well, no one can make you do that unless you give them leave to.’ Believe me, I’ve had some people do just that; imply that when I take umbrage to their comments it’s somehow my fault for ‘allowing’ them to make me feel inferior. But only today someone asked me how I felt about the idea that my sense of self was about feeling strong, confident and capable on the inside and letting that show on the outside. Like you, I was undermined as a child and like you I’ve struggled to overcome those negative messages. I’m going to give believing in my core strength, my courage, my intellect and my other skills and talents, a go. It really is, in a way, all about self belief. The other problem with that (mis)quote is, of course, the murky issue of inferiority and superiority, of thinking we are better than others, when in fact we share the same genes as every other human being on the planet, we all have similar needs, fears, foibles, strengthens and weaknesses. Maybe things would be better if we deleted the words inferior and superior from the dictionary?
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“Maybe things would be better if we deleted the words inferior and superior from the dictionary?” Now wouldn’t THAT be a step in the right direction. Are humans just programmed to see things from an “us and them” perspective? If so, how are we ever going to have a shot at peace in this world. Great, thoughtful post, Janet.
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This made me laugh. Damn quotes!!! I will never make you feel inferior without first consulting you.
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LOL! Well thank you for that, sir!!! You’re just as chivalrous as your writing implies. 😀
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I’ve actually liked the quote, as I’ve interpreted it as a reminder that it’s possible to be empowered to rise above the actions of others and be who you want to be, not what others make you. And I do know that is easier said than done. I have never delved in to it as deeply as you have and now view it with different eyes. It’s good to be shown a different perspective.
Opher will probably recognise the author of these quotes I hate:
“No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he’d only had good intentions; he had money as well.”
“The battle for women’s rights has largely been won.” and “I owe nothing to Women’s Lib.” (and all her sexist jokes).
“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples’ money.”
“A world without nuclear weapons would be less stable and more dangerous for all of us.”
And practically everything that came out of that woman’s mouth. including its coached masculinity.
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I’m guessing that’s from the OTHER end of our spectrum, or is that YOUR spectrum? MT?
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You guessed good – our end!
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She’s a grumpy looking old lady, isn’t she ! I can understand your point of view on this one. I hadn’t considered it in the context you have. Isn’t it interesting the things that stick in the craw for different people! I’ll have to copy the url for the Quote Investigator.
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She wasn’t really a grumpy old woman. As First Ladies go, she was very effective. She just wasn’t very photogenic. She was smart as all get out! I did like that site. It was pretty interesting.
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Lady Calen, here’s an irritating quote: Dr. Phil once said to Oprah (who didn’t look pleased, by the way,) “people are only fat because they want to be.” !! After all, the doc himself isn’t slim, I must say.
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You know, when I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, I read the old Doc’s book about dieting. The ONLY helpful piece of information I got out of it was, if you don’t want to be tempted, don’t buy it and bring it in the house. I like Phil, but he doesn’t know everything, does he…
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You’re right about that, dear heart! I actually there’s something missing from Dr. Phil. Not just that vast expanse of open pate on his head (nothing against baldies – looking at you, Sean Connery!) but I think he’s got a compassion deficit. He seems to be so focused on being his brand that he’s not always very humane as he tries to “straighten out” people on his show. Doncha think?
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Yes, I do. I like the way you put that, “being his brand.” I so dislike that concept these days. Even WP pushes people on here to have a brand. I used to love to watch his show when it first came on. But he’s changed so much over the years. It’s all performance now. Same thing with Dr. Oz. Being in the spotlight changes people. (I’ve been in love with Sean Connery since “Darby O’Gill and the Little People”, though I saw an interview with him once that left me with kind of a negative opinion of him… I think it was with Barbara Walters.)
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We all have the ability to hurt or be hurt. Consent doesn’t come into it.
Here’s a number of quotes I hate –
“The point is, you can never be too greedy.”
“My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”
“It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”
“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”
I’ll let you decide who made them.
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Could only be the strumpet!!!
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