I figured this Sandbox Writing Challenge (45) prompt from Roberta Allen’s book would be a piece of cake for me. Why? Because darn near EVERYTHING makes me feel small. Self-esteem is NOT my strong suit! In fact, thinking of all the things I could put on that list made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. Like, “Go ahead! Expose all your vulnerabilities to the world! That’ll make it better, won’t it!”
I realized as I thought about that list that all those things are common to people who have self-esteem issues. But I wondered if there was something that was much worse than even feeling like you look like a circus clown. There is. See, I can joke about those normal kind of self-esteem struggles exactly BECAUSE they’re the common, garden-variety type issues. And no matter how silly or dumb they may make me feel, I bounce back from them pretty quickly.
But there is one thing that will make me feel so small I want to disappear. That is to feel like I’ve made a faux pas, a stupid mistake, said something wrong, did something wrong, but I don’t know for sure… When that happens I read all kinds of horrible imaginings into the situation and I torment myself with wondering what I’ve done NOW to the point that I just want to “go away” and never come back.
It seems to have gotten worse this last year. Perhaps that’s because my roles are no longer so well defined and I’m feeling a bit lost and even MORE unsure of myself. I’m very much a “worse case scenario” person. In fact, that seems to be my default setting in life.
When I’m feeling that way I want to run and hide. I don’t WANT to deal with whatever it is that’s creating the issue for fear that it really will be something awful. And the really ridiculous thing is that nine times out of ten there’s not even anything to be worried about!
So how do I fix this glitch in my head that causes me such misery? I have NO bloomin’ idea. I just have to take one day at a time and hope that it gets easier as I go. Otherwise, one of these days I may just shrivel up inside myself and implode!