Tags
blogging101, Journaling, Reflections, Sandbox Writing Challenge, Uncategorized, Writing 101, Writing Prompts
I figured this Sandbox Writing Challenge (45) prompt from Roberta Allen’s book would be a piece of cake for me. Why? Because darn near EVERYTHING makes me feel small. Self-esteem is NOT my strong suit! In fact, thinking of all the things I could put on that list made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. Like, “Go ahead! Expose all your vulnerabilities to the world! That’ll make it better, won’t it!”
I realized as I thought about that list that all those things are common to people who have self-esteem issues. But I wondered if there was something that was much worse than even feeling like you look like a circus clown. There is. See, I can joke about those normal kind of self-esteem struggles exactly BECAUSE they’re the common, garden-variety type issues. And no matter how silly or dumb they may make me feel, I bounce back from them pretty quickly.
But there is one thing that will make me feel so small I want to disappear. That is to feel like I’ve made a faux pas, a stupid mistake, said something wrong, did something wrong, but I don’t know for sure… When that happens I read all kinds of horrible imaginings into the situation and I torment myself with wondering what I’ve done NOW to the point that I just want to “go away” and never come back.
It seems to have gotten worse this last year. Perhaps that’s because my roles are no longer so well defined and I’m feeling a bit lost and even MORE unsure of myself. I’m very much a “worse case scenario” person. In fact, that seems to be my default setting in life.
When I’m feeling that way I want to run and hide. I don’t WANT to deal with whatever it is that’s creating the issue for fear that it really will be something awful. And the really ridiculous thing is that nine times out of ten there’s not even anything to be worried about!
So how do I fix this glitch in my head that causes me such misery? I have NO bloomin’ idea. I just have to take one day at a time and hope that it gets easier as I go. Otherwise, one of these days I may just shrivel up inside myself and implode!
`
`
`
Picture Credits:
faux pas — www.fauxpasofficial.com
puppy — amberkinser.wordpress.com
Impromptu Promptlings 
The pattern seems to be that many so readily assume blame for something that was their fault or doing at all, without checking out the facts. People tend to be so much harsher and unforgiving on themselves than others. Not that I’m any saint in this regard, but I think I’ve learnt over the years to step back first before plunging headlong into self blame – this kind of thing is not so much of an issue for me now. Life teaches us so much, doesn’t it !
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, I think I’m getting there. Beginning to break some of those old patterns. Takes a long time, doesn’t it… That’s one of my “pottery pieces” I hope to throw out and not put back in my new “pitcher!” 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
We’re all a work in progress 🙂 And never forget just how you beautiful you are, just as you are NOW !
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think as women, and wives and mothers, we allow ourselves to feel small in relation to our loved ones. Their needs have always come first, and we want them happy above all else. .even ourselves. This goes on for so many years that we forget we need to put ourselves first sometimes. I think you have maybe spent so much of your life pushing everyone else up (elderly parents, hubby, children), that you sometimes feel insignificant or small. Then when people who matter to you seem upset, you look for reasons you coul have contributed to those moods. Let go of that $hit, doll. I used to be a bit like that until i realized one day that it was a bit silly for me to think i had that much control over others.
BTW: Say whatever you want to me. I can’t be offended. .that brother of mine and all. 😁😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
“it was a bit silly for me to think i had that much control over others.” Hm… Well there’s some food for thought in THAT sentence! 😮
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s what I call Disaster Thinking. I’m so good at it, I could teach a course on it, write a treatise on it. But how not to do it, is another whole kettle of fish.
It also seems to be tied into a whole right/wrong dilemma I think is running rampant in many a person. But what gave us the idea of this right/wrong to begin with? Something to look at one day perhaps…
LikeLiked by 2 people
My gut tells me it has to do with feeling unworthy…
LikeLike
How perfect is that puppy picture!! I sometimes keep myself up at night re-playing something I said or did. It seems so big at night, and then in the morning, it’s like, “Chill, Mar, just make a phone call and check it out!” 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Did I say sometimes? Make that often.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And then I just have to accept that weird things come out of my mouth and/or pen.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Defining weird or wrong is the problem I run into. Confused is my middle name! I can chew on one of these bones for days… Just like that adorable little puppy. I would SO totally love him/her. Sigh…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Me too. I’m trying just being honest about my ‘mistake’! Owning the reason I made it in the first place. Sometimes that’s laughable and others it’s required an apology. That’s tough, either way, but I suppose it’s being compassionate for my humanness. Or trying to be. Because my knee jerk reaction is mortification and feeling small and stupid…which triggers my brain to panic. So I get it!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Where I get hung up is I’m always thinking I MADE a mistake or annoyed someone or made them angry but I can’t figure out why. Truth is, nine times out of ten I didn’t. But I am so willing to take on the responsibility for everything that happens. Not sure how I got there. I KNOW I wasn’t that way as a teenager!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahh, I get that. I still do that. I most often make assumptions that I’ve done something wrong, when it’s me and not the other person. It’s root is a feeling of unworthiness, I’m sure. I’ve always been the way you describe. For me, it has been my wishing to belong, so I’ve done what it takes to please. But fitting in and belonging are very different. I want to belong.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, you’re exactly right. I’ve always wanted to belong to someone somewhere…
LikeLike
GF…please work on this….a C implosion wouldn’t be pretty 😬😬😬😬
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gotten close a couple times… Wouldn’t go out of the house. Wouldn’t see the girls. That kind of stuff.
LikeLike
Oh that’s so not good 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m reminded of a time, way back when we first “met.” You made a perfectly harmless, jokey comment on one of my posts, and I responded with a remark that was supposed to be funny, but instead sounded sniffy. You thought you’d offended me, and you were so apologetic – I felt terrible about that. You were upset, and it was my fault for taking it too far before you’d had a chance to know about my daft sense of humour.
That’s when I began to suspect you had self-esteem issues.
It was before we all started embellishing our comments with 🙂 smiley 🙂 faces. 🙂
🙂 They’re so useful 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad I don’t remember! 🙂 Yes, I suppose these things are useful, but they’re easy to hide behind, too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Do mean the brave smile 🙂 or the passive agressive one 🙂 ?
Hmm – they both look the same…
LikeLiked by 1 person
No, the other “everything’s just peachy” one…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know if there is an answer Cheryl. It is my fear too, I have struggled all my life with it. Do you find yourself wanting to hide in a corner when you have to be amongst people. We just have to battle on doing our best, that’s all you can do.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am so amazed to hear you say that, Anna. You seem like such a strong woman to me who knows her mind and isn’t afraid to speak it. I’ve often found myself wishing I could be more like you. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
It just shows you Cheryl you really never know people. I have been told many times that I am strong, I don’t see it. I am told because of all I went through I was strong, maybe so but a mother fights like a Tiger to protect her Children. I can speak my mind on paper or this internet when attacked especially. Yet come face to face and that is a different matter. At times I am tongue tied. I don’t go out of the house except to the Doctors which is at the top of my road, or take the Dog for a walk. This has gone on so long now I am used to it. Now October I go to San Francisco completely on my own, I need to prove to myself I can do it, well we shall see what happens out there.
You know that I am a Loner I like it that way, I guess being a Loner I don’t have to get myself into situations where I know I will wilt. I have a failure that I trust too much and always it ends up in tears. So there you are this is me what’s the saying “Love me or leave me”.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: The Sandbox Writing Challenge #45 — Take A Stand! | Impromptu Promptlings