Yesterday I was over at Janet Thomas’ blog, Elixir: Creative and Reflective Writing, reading her post Where are all the Angry Women? I found it very enlightening. It left me with some questions about my own blogging habits. Namely, do I — have I EVER — allowed myself to really express anger in my journals? After sitting staring at her blog for awhile I came to the conclusion I don’t.
I asked myself why. Is it because I leave them on my desk or wherever I’m writing so that anyone could pick them up and read them? I’m not saying I don’t write about being upset with people, I do. But I had to ask myself if I always couch my words in acceptable terms adding that I know I’m not the best at behaving admirably in the same situations either. Yes, I do. And in some respect maybe that’s like giving those people a “get out of jail free” card? Don’t I have to hold myself to the same exacting standards and vice versa? If I let myself off the hook, how can I hold others accountable for their behavior?
So I don’t think there’s ever been a time when I’ve just sat down with a pen and paper and gotten my “mad” on and let loose. Never. And that made me wonder WHY I’m afraid to do that. Why am I afraid to rant, for example, about how no one in this house can put stuff away when they’re done with it? They even leave the milk sitting out on the cabinet on occasion. Apparently it’s MY job to follow around behind them continually and see that it doesn’t happen! (Funny. I don’t remember that being in my
job description wedding vows…) And it just plain p*sses me off! But do I ever throw a hissy fit about it when I journal? Nope. Other than to say I wish they’d be more considerate.
That, of course, is a mildly irritating example. But if I can’t express my anger about something small like that, what about the BIG stuff I’m keeping shut up inside? What in the world am I afraid will happen if I give in to that emotion? How would it feel to have a good old-fashioned temper tantrum and let it all “hang out” as we used to say in the 60’s? I know from sad experience that keeping emotions locked away inside of you can make you sick. That happened to me when my mom passed away. I ended up going to a grief counselor. It makes me wonder how much (if at all) my stored up emotions affect my overall well being.
I guess it’s time for me to have one of Julia Cameron’s Artist Dates at Starbucks where I can pitch a fit and anyone noticing me writing in a frenzy will just think I’ve had too much caffeine. 😉
Linda’s meditative thought yesterday over on Spiritual Dragonfly was, “I am fulfilled when I can be who I want to be.” After reading Janet’s post, that thought made me wonder if all this time what I’ve been chasing as I’ve been “spelunking in my cave” is just the freedom to be who I am. The freedom to express that side of my emotions without feeling like a three year old…
What about you? When you journal or blog or write somewhere else, do you allow yourself to express your anger? Do you just let ‘er rip and get it out of your system? Or do you gloss coat your words like I do?
If you’re not familiar with them, please do take a minute and click on the Artist Date link to hear Julia Cameron explain what it is and why it’s good for you!