I was caught off guard this morning when I read Ben Huberman’s word prompt for the day — Sanctuary. If he’s referring to a place of refuge, it occurred to me all of a sudden I don’t feel like I have one.
I’m becoming more and more aware of how necessary time alone should have been for me when I was raising a family. I mistakenly thought there would be room for that serious “sanctuary time” after the kids grew up and before Drollery retired. Time to do some of the things I wanted without having someone peering curiously over my shoulder constantly asking, “What ya doin’?” or demanding my attention. How foolish I was to put off taking care of myself that way. At the time it just seemed like one more thing on my “to do” list.
I know better now. I needed to find a Sanctuary where I could regroup and heal from life’s everyday challenges, but I didn’t. And I’m guessing that’s one reason I feel like I’m running on empty so much of the time now.
There’s a PART of me (granted, a very small part of me ) that wishes I could have some time to learn to live by myself. I’d like to know what it feels like to be able to tape notes of affirmations up all over, or read back my writing aloud without people thinking I’ve gone round the bend one too many times. I’d love to be able to leave the dishes go till I have to consider going to buy paper plates and cups, or not do the laundry till I’ve worn the same jeans and t-shirts three days in a row without having to worry that someone will be upset because I’m in slob mode.
That’s what a Sanctuary would be for me, a place to be responsibly irresponsible. A place to go where I could spend time just being who I am without all the social frills. To not have to be politically correct all the time or always worrying about being on my best behavior. Where I wouldn’t feel selfish worrying about me for awhile instead of other people always coming first.
I know it’s not going to happen here. Even after I gutted Bran’s old bedroom and filled it with books, beachy stuff, cd’s, mementoes, and my desk, it never became the Sanctuary I had intended it to be for the simple reason that as long as I’m home the others who live here are always going to come first. I guess I’m just put together that way.
In looking back over the years though, and ahead to the not too distant future when his lordship will be retiring, I’m beginning to feel more and more the need to find a Sanctuary to escape to when I’m feeling overwhelmed or maybe even on a more regular basis. Makes me wonder if Sanctuary is just a fancy word for hideout! And in some ways it kind of makes me sad I feel the need to hideout from my family…
The Daily Prompt: Sanctuary