I’ve been flailing around for weeks and weeks now since I started “restoring” myself with the pieces of me I found in my “heart’s cave.” That may be because there was one little thing I forgot. I wasn’t just digging up pieces of myself I might have lost from the past, I was also stripping away a lot of what I’d become in the meantime, of what has made me me. I forgot that I wasn’t just a Seeker of past meanings in the process of discovering the purpose of and making sense of my life experiences. I’ve also become a Maker of meanings over the years. I’ve taken new things that have happened to me in my life and given them special meanings, building them into the me I am now.
Jungian psychologist Alice O. Howell says,
“What we are looking for on earth and in earth and in ourselves is the process that can unlock for us the mystery of meaningfulness in our daily lives. We can only see half of anything. The other half is the meaning we give to what we see.”
I think I forgot that what is a part of me already has deep meaning for me. I find myself wondering if I was mistakenly trying to recreate myself from scratch. Have I pulled the old “onion slight of hand?” Have I peeled away so many layers of me that I’ve been left with a blank page and I’m thinking, what the heck??? Where’d my life go? What about all those lessons I’ve learned along the way? Is that why my life seems so gray all of a sudden?
I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve taken away the mystery of my life, the spirituality, so to speak. And the thing is, it’s through that very spirituality that I find meaning in my life. And in the same way I’d strip paint from a cupboard before I can refinish it, I’ve stripped away the essence of who I have become.
I’m not sure what I’m saying. I’m still working through my thoughts. But I know I’ve felt totally unmoored the last few months. Perhaps it’s time to leave those bits and pieces down there in the cave for now and go walk-about. See if I can find those vestiges of me that I’ve inadvertently peeled away. I need to find my way BACK to the who I am now. That seems so backassward to me. But maybe that old saying is true after all, you really can’t go home anymore… Does that mean it was a mistake to try?
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Picture Sources:
drifting boat — Reflections on Grace
little girl on road — nomadicalsabbatical.com
Impromptu Promptlings 
That’s a really interesting read. The analogies are seriously intriguing to say the least…. Good job on finding yourself – I guess that ‘s the most interesting journey of them all
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And the scariest! You just never know what you’re gonna find…
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Well, it won’t be something you already didn’t know.
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I think that if you spend too long looking at the details, you end up seeing them floating around you in pieces; but that’s not the way they’re meant to be. If you put those pieces out of the way and don’t look at them for a while, I reckon they’ll all fit themselves together.
I have a feeling I’m not explaining myself very well…
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Well I think I get the gist of what you mean. And you may be right. Maybe I’ve just lost the bigger picture?
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That’s a simpler way of putting it 🙂
The way things are for you at the moment, it’s no wonder.
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This sounds exciting. And fun. Don’t worry, you will always be you.
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Thank you, Rachel. I think that’s the pivotal point I’ve been missing. I’m finding it very comforting today. I SO appreciate your stopping by and commenting.
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Life is a never-ending journey, as are the layers of the damned never-ending onion 🙂 But I think what Opher said makes so much sense. And how about this – you don’t need to go BACK home ‘cos you never left it. It’s right there in your heart. What’s happened to The Seeker ? have I missed some or is she on sabbatical ?
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You all are seeing something I totally missed. Or maybe I thought it would change. I don’t know. But as I said to Rachel up yonder there, I find that very comforting…
As to Seeker. I was stuck. I was not happy with the last two pieces of my journey. They weren’t quite right. So I waited. Then listening to Gary’s sermon in church a couple weeks ago things were kind of clicking into place and I pulled my notebook out and started scribbling. I think I know what was wrong now.
In the meantime, I was growing VERY impatient and getting a little bored with the journey since it was being the same thing over and over again. (Of course it has dawned on me since then that my journey HAS repeated the same issues over and over again!) So I laid the cards out in story board form dealing them as I had been doing (there are still 35 of the bloomin’ things!) because I wanted to see to the end. I needed to decide if it was worth finishing. I can say the end QUITE surprised me! So I guess I’m going to have to get back to it.
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It’s that blessed onion – it never gets any smaller !
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Well I can relate to feeling unmoored. All the work I did in the sandbox that helped me make peace with my past didn’t really prepare me for what was lying in wait for me. A new expedition lays before me.
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Yeah, I think I was kind of naive to think it was a one quest fits all kind of thing.
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No such thing as a one size fits all anything….definitely a learning experience
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I like the idea of going for a walk about, leaving the bits n pieces behind. Perhaps it can be like shopping and you can get stuff you know you like instead of getting stuck with the duds. Life experience is worth it’s weight in gold. You’ll have a better idea of what you’re choosing. Good luck 🙂
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I feel kind of foolish thinking I had it all figured out. I got a little too big for my britches!
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There is an essential ‘me’ that doesn’t change. I change through time but something inside stays the same. It is the centre of my being.
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I’m guessing THAT’S what I should have been looking for all along… 😦
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