Tags
blogging101, Family, Journaling, Reflections, Sandbox Writing Challenge, Uncategorized, Writing 101, Writing Prompts
Well, I laughed right out loud when I saw the question for last week’s Sandbox Writing Challenge,
What have you struggled to change in your own life?
`
A better question for me is what HAVEN’T I struggled to change in my life! If you were to read my journals from the past 20 years you’d probably find five main things I struggle with and whine about over and over and over again…
`
Coming in at 5th place is the NEVER ENDING BATTLE with not being a FINISHER! I don’t care if it’s something I’m writing (which I’m sure you’ve noticed by now), some cleaning I’m doing in the house, a book I’m reading, or a different kind of creative endeavor I’m engaged in (cross stitch, for example). I’ve tried making lists, setting goals, setting timers, making up schedules… All to no avail. It’s actually amazing I’ve done as well with getting the Sandbox challenges on here as I have!
Number four is maybe not so much a common problem for most people, but it is for me. I tend to do WAY too much for my family. I’m guessing that’s because I want them to think I’m a terrific wife and mom. I quit work in 2003, and to this day I still get up every morning (except Saturday) at 6:30 and get breakfast on the table for Drollery, even if it is just cereal and toast, and pack his lunch. I want him to think I’m a great wife! (Otherwise he might trade me in for new model!) If I’m going out to breakfast with the girls, I make his breakfast before I go. It wasn’t uncommon for me to fix TWO different meals at supper when the kids were growing up so everyone would be happy. I’ve always been that way to their detriment, I fear. I’ve tried to push them to become more autonomous (well Droll and Bran), but what usually happens is Number three!
I’m addicted — if there is such a thing — to feeling guilty. I’m one of those very programmed people who feels guilty for everything that happens in or around me. Whether it’s my fault or not makes no difference. I am just guilt prone and I’ve no idea how that happened. I’ve reasoned with myself till I’m blue in the face about why things aren’t my responsibility or my fault, but I always feel like I could have done something to fix things. I guess in the end it might be a control issue?
Number two would definitely be my battle with anxiety. Anything can set it off. Being in a new situation. Staying home alone. Traveling. Thinking someone’s upset with me (that’s a HUGE trigger for me), driving… There’s not many things that don’t trigger my anxiety from time to time. This is a big one for me. I’ve even been in counseling for this because it was causing me such terrible headaches. I grit and grind my teeth so much when I go to sleep that I’ve broken two and have to take half a xanax at bedtime to relax my jaw. Meditation has helped from time to time, but I have staunchly refused to be medicated for it beyond that little half pill at night.
But by far the number one thing I’ve tried to change about myself is to stop being so introspective. The only thing I’ve found over the years that’s helped with this is journaling. I know that sounds like it would make it worse, but there’s something about being able to bleed off those thoughts by getting them down on paper that really helps. Sort of like using a leech!. 😀 (Only half joking there…) I can honestly say that decompressing to a counselor was a waste of time for me.
So there you have it! My dirty little laundry list of things I’ve tried to change about myself. I keep wondering if the time will ever come that I’ll feel like it’s not worth engaging in the battle any more…
`
`
Picture Source: Odyssey
Impromptu Promptlings 
3 back teeth in the last year. The anxiety is my greatest struggle and I have to be vigilant that I am hibernating for my own good and not from the need to isolate myself. I lived with guilt for years until my best bestie said to me one time ” why do you have so much love for everyone but yourself?” That one set me back and then moved me forward. You sound like a wonderful wife! I was never a domestic goddess. I relied on other talents instead. *wink*wink*
LikeLiked by 1 person
Shannon, if I wasn’t so tired (it’s 1 a.m. here) I’d be LMBO at your domestic goddess comment. LOL My domesticity runs along the lines of dirty enough to be happy, clean enough to be healthy. But I’m pretty good at making toast and pouring a bowl of cereal! 😀 I’m sorry to hear about your teeth. It’s always something, isn’t it. And I appreciated what you said about being careful of what your need was to isolate. I find myself doing that from time to time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Writing is good therapy for everything!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh! You came up for air! Does that mean you’re all moved in now???
LikeLike
Great post, Calen. Guilt and anxiety suck. I take half a clonazapam at night, haha. I’m not a good wife at all. I used to feel guilty about it, but he knew who he was marrying. I’m just not very domestic. I was always more career oriented. I think you may have gone to the wrong counselor if all you did in there was decompress. Did you do any experiential stuff? Sometimes it is important to not focus on the content, but what is underneath. I think journaling is great! I have done it since I was about 23….off and on. I trust nobody will read it, so I can say anything without being offensive.
I think, as women, we are programmed to do too much for people. Don’t you?
Resentment and guilt walk hand in hand.
Anyway, sorry to go on and on, but this post is so good! Thanks Calen.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey Mary… I agree that women are prone to do too much. Caretaking seems to always fall to us. I do know a couple of guys who are that way, too, however. I’ve always thought it had to do with whether your main spirit was male or female. Does that sound crazy? You’re right about guilt and resentment, too. Sometimes I get so frustrated that no one can clean up after themselves. I don’t like being relegated to a maid. And then I feel HORRIBLY guilty! And the voice in my head says, “Stop whining! At least you have a family, a roof over your head, and food on the table!!!” (shakes head) I didn’t do ANY experiential stuff with that counselor. It truly was a waste of time. Biggest advice from her, “Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve.”
LikeLike
There are so many things I could say about this post if my brain was working as it should, but I stick with this what you would probably say to me: Great post – now stop beating yourself around the head. Your top issue is that you are introspective. This post is introspective 🙂
I’ve dedicated a not-very-good poem to you. I wish it was better written…
{{{hugs}}}
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀 I read it! And I’m ready to go any time you are!!! And thank you. It’s always nice to have company with whom you can just BE. (Yeah, these SBWC posts have really played into my addiction that way!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ok – All we have to do is have a happy thought and we can fly to that enchanted place where there’s no illness and we don’t need pennies for ice-cream because we pay for things with smiles, AND our change comes in smiles too!
It would be wonderful…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could spend a couple days like that for real? 🙂
LikeLike
Did you ever read Wayne Dyer’s book about guilt ? I think it was the first of his books I ever read – it was very controversial at the time but it made so much sense to me. It made me stop and think about everything in a very different way. It was probably the catalyst for a lot of sandpit digging for me…. And yes, you are very brave for airing your *dirty little laundry list* – it helps to air it 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
No, I haven’t read that. I should see if the library has it. I could use a new awakening! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love your honesty. My husband would love a wife like you 🙂 Guilt is a wasted emotion but one I also suffer from. Anxiety is a tough one 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well one thing I’ve figured out is I have a better chance of getting a handle on things I can name. Takes awhile to understand what they are, however. 🙂
LikeLiked by 3 people
Have very brave of you – so very brave. For me, the one thing to change is my lack of patience. Mr. Doodle says I was put on this earth to learn just that lesson…it’s a constant battle and I’m not making much headway, I’m afraid to say.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Now that’s one I struggled with a lot when the kids were young. I think I kind of grew out of most of that one… Or their growing up was a big help. Funny thing is, I’m not at all impatient with my grandkids. 🙂
LikeLike
Pingback: The Sandbox Writing Challenge #65 — Changes in the wind… | Impromptu Promptlings