I have struggled and struggled to write something for the Sandbox prompt #66 I posted on November 29th. The prompt was:
What does acceptance feel like? How does it differ from resignation or passivity?
I think I’m still hung up on the prompt from #65:
What have you struggled to change in your own life?
What I wrote for that post is that I’ve never STOPPED trying to change myself — for as long as I can remember I’ve NEVER been happy with who I am. Nature or nurture? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve lived my entire life in patterns of resignation, passivity, and passive aggression. But never have I been in a mindset of acceptance.
Only once! And that was clear back in 1988 when we were going through the adoption process for Stef. But as peaceful as I felt during that time, it wasn’t self-acceptance I was experiencing. And maybe I’m misinterpreting this prompt, but I can’t seem to get out of this head space because accepting myself was what starting this blog was supposed to be about. It was going to be a way for me to get to know myself and learn how to accept me for who I am.
For over two years now I’ve been digging around in my heart and psyche to sort ME out. I wanted to stop living in resignation that I will never be okay with who I am. That has caused me so much depression over the years. And it’s lead to living a life of passivity; letting others call the shots for me; telling myself there’s nothing I can do to change the things I don’t like about myself so why try. But that only brought on anger from time to time, and I often found myself experiencing passive-aggressive behavior because of it.
But it has finally occurred to me to ask what I thought I was looking for in that “heart cave” where I was digging around. All this time I’ve thought I was looking for broken and cut off pieces of myself. I wanted to put me back together and make me shiny and new, loving, fascinating, accepting of myself. But in hindsight, I think I was looking for something much more intimate.
What got my attnetion this morning is a poem from the devotional book I’m reading, “A Year With Rilke: Daily Readings from the Best of Ranier Maria Rike.”
Were You Not Always Distracted
Were you not always distracted by yearning,
as though some lover were about to appear?
Let yourself feel it, that yearning.
It connects you with those
who have sung it through the ages,
sung especially of love unrequited.
Shouldn’t this oldest of sufferings
finally bear fruit for us?
What I realized after another aborted attempt to respond to the prompt is that it wasn’t a grand lover I was looking for, it was my soul… Will realizing that help to move me toward a place of acceptance — peace — in my life? We shall see…
This is kind of a lame answer for the prompt, but it’s the best I can do at the moment. I know life is an on-going process, so I’m going to have to be patient and see what happens now. Would ACCEPTANCE differ from PASSIVITY and RESIGNATION? I sure hope so. I don’t want to still be wondering who I am inside and looking for that peace with my last breath!
The Sandbox Writing Challenge #66 — Passivity, Resignation, or Acceptance?
Not Happy — Whisper
Serenity & Acceptance — Natasha Castillo