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blogging101, Journaling, Reflections, Sandbox Writing Challenge, Uncategorized, Writing 101, Writing Prompts
I have struggled and struggled to write something for the Sandbox prompt #66 I posted on November 29th. The prompt was:
What does acceptance feel like? How does it differ from resignation or passivity?
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I think I’m still hung up on the prompt from #65:
What have you struggled to change in your own life?
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What I wrote for that post is that I’ve never STOPPED trying to change myself — for as long as I can remember I’ve NEVER been happy with who I am. Nature or nurture? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve lived my entire life in patterns of resignation, passivity, and passive aggression. But never have I been in a mindset of acceptance.
Only once! And that was clear back in 1988 when we were going through the adoption process for Stef. But as peaceful as I felt during that time, it wasn’t self-acceptance I was experiencing. And maybe I’m misinterpreting this prompt, but I can’t seem to get out of this head space because accepting myself was what starting this blog was supposed to be about. It was going to be a way for me to get to know myself and learn how to accept me for who I am.
For over two years now I’ve been digging around in my heart and psyche to sort ME out. I wanted to stop living in resignation that I will never be okay with who I am. That has caused me so much depression over the years. And it’s lead to living a life of passivity; letting others call the shots for me; telling myself there’s nothing I can do to change the things I don’t like about myself so why try. But that only brought on anger from time to time, and I often found myself experiencing passive-aggressive behavior because of it.
But it has finally occurred to me to ask what I thought I was looking for in that “heart cave” where I was digging around. All this time I’ve thought I was looking for broken and cut off pieces of myself. I wanted to put me back together and make me shiny and new, loving, fascinating, accepting of myself. But in hindsight, I think I was looking for something much more intimate.
What got my attnetion this morning is a poem from the devotional book I’m reading, “A Year With Rilke: Daily Readings from the Best of Ranier Maria Rike.”
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Were You Not Always Distracted
Were you not always distracted by yearning,
as though some lover were about to appear?
Let yourself feel it, that yearning.
It connects you with those
who have sung it through the ages,
sung especially of love unrequited.
Shouldn’t this oldest of sufferings
finally bear fruit for us?
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What I realized after another aborted attempt to respond to the prompt is that it wasn’t a grand lover I was looking for, it was my soul… Will realizing that help to move me toward a place of acceptance — peace — in my life? We shall see…
This is kind of a lame answer for the prompt, but it’s the best I can do at the moment. I know life is an on-going process, so I’m going to have to be patient and see what happens now. Would ACCEPTANCE differ from PASSIVITY and RESIGNATION? I sure hope so. I don’t want to still be wondering who I am inside and looking for that peace with my last breath!
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The Sandbox Writing Challenge #66 — Passivity, Resignation, or Acceptance?
Picture Sources:
Not Happy — Whisper
Serenity & Acceptance — Natasha Castillo
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I think it is the head-space thing, Calen. Over-thinking acceptance. I did that for decades until that one year of living a life of Acceptance. It took a while, but I learned to get out of my head and into my heart. I found peace in acceptance. It wasn’t about being passive or a sense of resignation… it was Letting Go and just BEing for a few moments without allowing my head to get in the way, or someone else’s issue to get in the way. As for self-acceptance… now that I am still working on 🙂 Much love!
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I hear what you’re saying… Plato (the younger) has been talking to me about that off and on for months. What I need is someone to remind me every half hour or so to sit down, shut up, and breathe! Hm… maybe I need a watch with a timer. I always have such good intentions about taking the time to get in the right space, but my attention span is SO short my intentions are out of my mind in no time! But I’m working on it!!!
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Or maybe you need something to help calm you down so you can get to that place… when my mind rattles on and I need to calm down, I make a tea that is half chamomile and half Tulsi (Holy Basil), add a little honey and drink it… then I can get to that space. It’s a life-time learning thing, I believe. (Oh, for the tea… I just use a teabag of each and make two cups worth.. drink both and sit somewhere quietly until my mind joins me in that quiet space)
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I’ve been meditating for a lot of years. I’m pretty good for 20-30 minutes. It’s just the remembering to work it into my day. I hate meditating when anyone else is here. I find that distracting. And there’s only a couple days a week I’m alone. I SO need Bran to get put on full-time at work! That’s what I want for Christmas!
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I can remember reading somewhere once that the more you want something the more you will be left wanting because that is actually what you are asking for! It’s the mindset thing – think like you already have it, give thanks for it in glorious expectation of fulfillment 🙂 Sounds simple, doesn’t it ?!
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What?
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Yep, if you want, you will ALWAYS be wanting and never getting… samrick is e with any other similar terms. The trick is to switch the language so it sets the intent that whatever it is, you already have it. So eg “I am well” “I have….” etc etc
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Acceptance feels like joy. I would be happy to vouch for the fact that you’re a kind and thoughtful person, to yourself if necessary. Do you know of anything better?
Asking questions is fine. Expecting answers can be more problematical. I’m often reminded of Keats’ idea of negative capability, which I interpret as an artistic type of person with an enquiring mind who comes to accept that things are unsure, but has the courage to carry on trying their best, as if certainty is a luxury: a thing of no matter.
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Ah yes. Negative capability. Keats and Rilke had similar inclinations about that. In “Letters to a Young Poet” (letters Rilke wrote to Franz Kappus) Rilke said:
I want to ask you, as clearly as I can, to bear with patience all that is unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were rooms yet to enter or books written in a foreign language. Don’t dig for answers that can’t be given you yet: you cannot live them now. For everything must be lived. Live the questions now, perhaps then, someday, you will gradually, without noticing, live into the answer.
The first line of that quote has always been a favorite of mine. But I just recently bought the book Letters to a Young Poet and read the entire quote. I wish I’d known about the NOT digging part before I embarked on my spelunking adventures!!!
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Just be Cheryl. That’s more than enough.
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(That’s one of my biggest fears you know, Opher, that I have too MUCH muchness! 😉 )
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I think you responded well to the prompt. It is such a difficult question and one I struggled to answer when I read it myself. I hope you find your answers.
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I get the feeling for some folks it ends up being a life-long quest. In fact, I could probably count on one hand the people I know who are comfortable in their own skin. Sad, eh?
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