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Advent, blogging101, Family, GLADvent 2016, Journaling, Quotes, Reflections, Uncategorized, Writing 101, Writing Prompts
December 19
Love
Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. (Shakespeare)
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As you can see by its presence in my sidebar, I REALLY LOVE Harula’s quote today. I LOVE her word as well — LOVE — though learning what that means can be a very hard task.
When we got married, both Drollery and I understood what it felt like growing up believing you weren’t LOVED by your parents. Rejection can be a crippling thing. It sneaks up on you as you get older, and before you know it, it has wormed its way so deeply into your heart and mind that you may find it impossible to accept LOVE when it IS offered.
That’s been a struggle in our marriage. Both of us needing very much the affirmation and affection that can go along with love, but neither of us being very good at knowing how to give it. So one thing we determined was that our own kids wouldn’t grow up feeling the way we did. And we thought we did do a better job of showing LOVE to our kids. We had heard it said by a pastor named David Mains, a very wise man, that the best thing you can do for your kids is to be consistently adequate. We tried hard to make sure we were doing just that.
But then after our son, who had been a straight A student, started college, all of a sudden he had a crisis of sorts in his life. And we realized for the first time that he was feeling very inadequate. We couldn’t get our heads around it. We’d gone out of our way to support him and build him up from day one. We had had major issues just trying to conceive. It took us six years. And when Bran was born we were told that in all probability there would be no more children. So until he was ten and we adopted Stef, Brandon was an only child with parents who were terrified of losing him. And that was our mistake because we became entirely too overprotective.
It took us a few years to figure it out, but we finally realized by overprotecting him and not letting him do things on his own, especially the harder things in life, Brandon had come to feel as rejected as he would have had we neglected him in the same way we felt our parents had neglected us. And that was truly an epiphany for us. We realized then that LOVE is a fragile thing, but it’s also very strong. It’s actually a paradox.
And that’s the way I see Harula’s word today. Drollery and I are still learning that there’s a fine balance to be found if you want that LOVE to be healthy, for it’s possible to LOVE too little, but it’s also possible to LOVE too much. Maybe some day we’ll get it all figured out… In the meantime for us we’ve come to realize that love is the perfect paradox.
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Picture Source:
Stocking — Harula
Paradox of Love — www.abebooks.com
amileinmyshoes said:
I’m sad to read that both you and your husband didn’t feel you had enough love growing up 😦 Such a thought provoking post. Our son is only eight and you’ve given me a lot to chew on.
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calensariel said:
It was a hard thing to learn. Bran’s just now pulling it all together. He’s 38 and is in the process of getting a divorce. He had a lot more growing up and growing in confidence to do before he married.
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harulawordsthatserve said:
Oh Calen, why does love have to be so messy and uncomfortable? I know it’s beautiful, and I certainly wouldn’t want to be without it – both the giving and the receiving – but my does it hurt sometimes, and there’s nothing I can do to find it, reach it or ease it when it feels like that, because it’s not in me, it doesn’t belong to me, it’s everywhere, absolutely everywhere…completely free…. H xxx
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calensariel said:
Beautifully said!
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loristrawn said:
“Love is the perfect paradox” is my new favorite quote!
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calensariel said:
Doesn’t stop me from getting mad at God when I figure I know better! (rolls eyes…)
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Opher said:
How to give our wings to our children while keeping them safe.
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calensariel said:
Roots and wings… Always a fascinating proposition, isn’t it?
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Soul Gifts said:
Sometimes it’s hard to get that balance right, especially when it comes to your kids. It’s hard to see them struggle, get hurt, make the ‘wrong’ decisions, knowing that with the wisdom of age you could step in and prevent a lot of that. But, as you so rightly say, it deprives them of invaluable life lessons and opportunities to learn and grow.
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calensariel said:
It’s been a steep learning curve for all three of us. Especially when we have a daughter who is so bloomin’ independent!
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Soul Gifts said:
She’s a good teacher for you then !
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calensariel said:
Unfortunately I’m a heck of a slow learner! (rolls eyes)
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