This will be my last Journey post for this year. I am struggling with whether to do a new banner altogether for these journal-type posts that hit me every now and then, or keep this one with a new date. I must admit I’ve grown quite fond of mini-me there. She’s the spittin’ image of me as a kid. Even the attitude!
But it’s also obvious to me that the journey I’ve undertaken the last two years of digging out my “heart cave” to find those missing pieces of me is really at an end. I’ve found a lot of interesting artifacts at my dig site, but it’s pretty clear that my idea of putting me back together in a more perfect whole is unrealistic. The truth is, you can’t go back; you can only go forward. And I must say that discovering THAT has left me disappointed, disgruntled, and depressed.
Disappointed because I had hoped to come out of that cave with a new vision for my life. Ideas that would make me feel more creative, more at peace with who I REALLY am. But then when I climbed out, I found a sign someone had left by the cave entrance.
That’s just swell! Now I’m disgruntled because it feels like I spent all those months digging for nothing. And I will freely admit that I often feel like I have a lot of anger that’s bubbled up just below the surface in my attitude now. And I KNOW the guys have noticed! (rolls eyes…) I’m suddenly not nearly as patient as usual, and I’m definitely NOT in the mood to be mistaken for a MAID! I didn’t find any evidence in that cave that suggested servitude was a part of my life!!!
And all that has left me kind of depressed. I’ve been sitting here on my rock this week asking myself, “Self, what do you want to do now???” Percy, my lovable Pack Rat traveling buddy, climbed up on my lap and suggested we sing a duet of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” I had to remind him I had also found NO EVIDENCE down there that I could actually SING! Now HE’S depressed, too. He’s quite a musical little fellow. His favorite song is “Somewhere Out There.” I told him he’s not Fievel the mouse, but he insists he’s close enough. Sigh… He can be so contrary at times. (Don’t look at me in that tone of stink eye, Percy! What do you mean you learned it from me??? Geez! A little respect, please!)
But today I opened my devotional book “A Year With Rilke,” and found some good advice from his “Letters to a Young Poet.”
Please celebrate . . . with the earnest faith that [you] may need this very anguish of yours in order to begin. These very days that are such a trial for you may well be the time when everything in you is working at [your being who you are] as once you so urgently did as a child. Be patient and without resentment, and I know that the least [you] can do is to make [your] becoming no more difficult than earth makes it before spring when it wants to arrive. Be comforted and glad.
[Bracketed words my alteration…]
The whole anguish and trial thing kind of sucks, but other than that it sounds like good advice. It appears that Percy and I will be setting out on another adventure for this year. And I’m pretty sure it won’t be long until we find ourselves hopelessly lost! But I have it on good authority from Plato (the younger) there are a lot of lessons to be learned in Oz.
So Percy and I have packed up our backpacks (mine’s full of spiral notebooks and Pentel R.S.V.P. pens; his, cheese and crackers), and we’re ready to set out. So what say ye, Sir Percival? Shall we embark on our new journey? Let’s sing! “We’re off to see the Wi…” OML, Percy! Look at that! It’s coming right up the highway at us! Quick! Down in the ditch! Well this is a hell of a way to start out the new year!. 😦