I’ve mentioned a few times that I’m reading the devotional book A Year With Rilke. Coincidentally I’m also reading his book Letters to a Young Poet. Yesterday and today’s quotes in the devotional were from that second book. They gave me a lot of “pondering fodder.”
After more than ten years of having someone home with me during the day and virtually no time to myself, our son (who is in the process of getting a divorce, and lived with us with his wife before that) has finally gone to work full time. I have struggled and struggled with feeling like I live in a fishbowl. It’s made me nervous and claustrophobic. So since January 1st I have been over the moon to have most of my days to myself. I have very much needed this hiatus.
Tomorrow our daughter and her entourage are moving back to Utah from Maryland, and I have some pretty conflicting feelings about it. Not about their coming. We’re relieved. Our son-in-law works in D.C. for the Department of Education, and we have really felt it was time for them to get out of Dodge! He will be telecommuting on his job. And we’ll be thrilled to have our four grandkids near us for the first time ever. Still, I can’t help wondering if my new-found freedom is going to get gobbled up by other family responsibilities now.
A couple of my friends, and my sister in particular, think I should be ecstatic, and that there’s something very wrong with me because I’m feeling somewhat torn about it. In all honesty others seem to think what I’m feeling is kind of a selfish thing. I guess that’s why this quote from Rilke’s book to the young poet hit me yesterday.
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Think, dear sir, of the world you carry within you . . . be it remembrance of your childhood or longing for your own future. Only be attentive to what is arising in you, and prize it above all that you perceive around you. What happens most deeply inside you is worthy of your whole love. Work with that and don’t waste too much time and courage explaining it to other people.
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One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made over the years is that I’ve neglected myself and my needs in my caring for others. And now I’m struggling with feeling guilty about wanting time for myself. And it makes me sad because I haven’t taken very good care of me. Rilke went on to say:
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Consider whether great changes have not happened deep inside your being in times when you were sad. The only sadnesses that are unhealthy and dangerous are those we carry around in public in order to drown them out. Like illnesses that are treated superficially, they only recede for a while and then break out more severely. Untreated they gather strength inside us and become the rejected, lost, and unlived life that we may die of. If only we could see a little farther than our knowledge reaches and a little beyond the borders of our intuition, we might perhaps bear our sorrows more trustingly than we do our joys. For they are the moments when something new enters us, something unknown. Our feelings grow mute in shy embarrassment, they take a step back, a stillness arises, and the new thing, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it all and says nothing.
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And so I’ve decided not to be ashamed because of how I’m feeling, but to allow myself to stay open and accepting of what I need and see what there is to be learned from all this inner turmoil. This is a HUGE issue for me. (Lordy! I almost hate to use that word anymore given the political climate!) And I’m more than a little apprehensive about how things will play out.
There are lots of transitions going on in our life as a family right now in addition to this move. Finally, after six years, our son is seeing a lawyer on Thursday to start divorce proceedings. He’s ready at last to move on with his life. Even so, I know this will be a difficult adjustment for him as well. He has never wanted to be the one to “throw in the towel” so to speak. Add to that our scrambling to get things paid off so his lordship can pre-retire possibly at the end of the year, and that’s a lot of life-changing stuff. Heaven help us! 
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Picture Sources:
Letters to a Young Poet — Penguin Random House
Grandkids — The Lamp Stand
Life Changes — www.lifechangesestatesales.com
Impromptu Promptlings 
“Not explaining” yourself to others resonates with me. So many times I’ve decided on a course of action, mentioned it to someone, and then doubted, maybe due to something they even didn’t intend to communicate. It’s important to listen to your inner self isn’t it and pursue that voice. Best wishes in these changing times
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That’s true in so many cases. Talking to others about story ideas I’ve had has always seemed to take the steam out of my engine. I didn’t do that with Glencara’s Bane (waiting to be edited), and in one month during NaNoWriMo in November 2013 I wrote 90,000 words. But I didn’t tell anyone. Funny how that works. You’re absolutely right!
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Don’t worry about what anyone thinks. You obviously have great love for your family, that doesn’t lessen because you also need time to yourself. We all do. And I often think love is easier when there is adequate time apart.
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“I often think love is easier when there is adequate time apart.” Does my heart much good to hear someone else say that out loud!!! THANK YOU!!! (I fear Drollery’s retiring…)
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Take care. Rest easy. What might happen is that all these movements in your life will turn out to be good! Hope so. 😀
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Very likely, Oneta. I’m just a fuss bucket! 😉
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Oh hell NO! Do NOT let anyone try and tell you that feeling torn about the family coming home is a bad thing. It’s exciting that they are and I am SO wishing my grand babies lived closer. But you don’t have to have just one emotion about it. Things in your life will change with them coming back to Utah. I think you need to set some boundaries with them. Like when you letting them know that you LOVE them all, you still need ME time.
Glad Bran is full time and you have some peace and quiet now. Pamper your self (bath bomb maybe 🙂 ) and do what YOU want to do!
Luv Ya!
Oh yeah…speaking of my grand babies, they will be here for spring break at the end of March! WOOT!
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Oh how exciting!!! How long are they going to be hanging around? Flying or driving? Btw, been talking to his lordship about a time we can come over. Bran is dying to get away for a weekend. It was Boulder Station we stayed at, right?
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The kids will be here for a week. Karry and Nick plus Caleb (OMG he turned 15 on Monday!), Malia, and Tucker. I’m taking the week off but Chuck isn’t. Too many kids for him! LOL
They’re driving. They will stop in eastern Oregon to visit Nick’s oldest daughter for a few days then plan to be here in Vegas on the 26 of March.
Yep it was Boulder. That’s like maybe 2 miles from our house! Let me know when it happens! We’ll tear this town up. Well…OK…maybe not tear it up but we will have a great time!
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LOL! Yeah, I think I might be too old to tear up anything these days! I poop out rather quickly. 😀
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I believe we ALL need me-time to recharge our batteries. If we run dry, how can we be present for anyone, including ourselves ?
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I’ve always known that, but lately it’s as if in the fishbowl I’ve been living in something has sucked all the oxygen out of the water and I’m slowly suffocating. Not sure what that’s about, to be honest… Happened once before in August 2003. A month later I was diagnosed with diabetes. So I suppose it could be something physical?
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I think the two are inseparable!
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I was under an ENORMOUS amount of stress in 2003 with a new boss who was certifiable. I’m wondering how much stress is playing a part in what I’m feeling now…
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From my understanding, if we ignore/do not meet the needs of our Self, they all eventually manifest as some sort of a physical condition. Hence people who *ignore* their spirituality or *shut it down* may end up with Chronic Fatigue.
It’s not somethng we are taught, and probably not well understood, known, or accepted. But to me it makes sense. We are wholistic beings, not compartmentalised bits and pieces that never connect. What affects a bit of us, affects the whole in some form or another. If left *untreated*, like a nasty bug, it spreads and affects the whole eventually.
Carolyn Myss has done some very interesting work on this in relation to our chakra system. As has Edgcar Cayce.
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I’ve just read this post and thought you might find it interesting too – it sort of follows the thread of this conversation trail. https://celiaelaine.wordpress.com/2017/02/22/cease-right-now-from-all-attempts-to-struggle/
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I think you’re 100% correct, Raili…
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I read Hales’ blog. If only it were as easy as she makes it sound…
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It’s not being selfish, it’s being introverted! If you haven’t read “Quiet”, by Susan Cain, I highly recommend it! It helped me see that I (and many people) need solitary time to recharge my energy, while others recharge by being around people. I find I am best able to truly enjoy time with my loved ones when I set aside some time each day to be alone to read, write, etc. But I know you know how fleeting and sweet are the childhood years. I’m sure you will find a way to keep some precious solitude but also enjoy your grandchildren. One thing that helps when they live close by: schedule outings with one at a time. Kids in larger families cherish special one on one time with beloved adults, and it might be easier for you to focus on one at a time!
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One at a time. That sounds like terrific advice. That book sounds interesting. I’ll have to get on Amazon and take a gander at it. Thanks for the suggestion. 🙂
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You can also hear the author in a “TED talk” here: https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts
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Ooo! Even better! Thanks!
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I listened to her. She had a lot of interesting stuff to say. I especially liked at the end when she said that while we need to teach people and students (especially, imo) to work together, we also needed to give them time to be separate and creative. You’d be surprised at what went through my mind just then. I thought, yes, but then they might learn to think for themselves instead of practicing group think! MY bias is showing. I think kids are herded into classrooms and turned into mushrooms — kept in the dark and fed crap! I couldn’t agree with her more. LOVED her talk. Thanks again for the link. 😀
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You might enjoy this article – a reflection the state of education: http://www.monbiot.com/2017/02/16/factory-outlet/
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Thanks, hon. I’ll check it out!
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Well he and Susan Cain are certainly on the same page in a lot of things. Though she has some good points about how some children (introverts) tend to thrive more on their own than in more colIaborative situations. He kind of poked the bee’s hive there with a few people!
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We need such balance and we’re always searching for that sweet spot.
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I was NEVER very good on a teeter-totter. I hated being UP IN THE AIR, but that being down at the bottom wasn’t very much fun either. Guess I need to crawl into the middle — IF I can find it! LOL
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You know where I stand on this…there is nothing wrong with you. And your allowed to be selfish. My rant is over. Love ya C ❤
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THAT was a SHORT rant. I think you must be worn out today, my friend, all things considered. But thanks for the thumbs up. 😉
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Well you know I could have gotten long winded..but we’ve discussed things like his before…..thinking about you today!!!!
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Just teasing you, girlfriend, since our rants tends to spark lots of discussion! 😀 I’m glad to see you survived the day. One more to get you over next week. Are you getting your hair done today?
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Hear Hear Linda! I don’t really know your stance, but I’m assuming it’s similar to mine. I can actually relate, I wouldn’t be so happy if they brood came back to the nest. I have a thought – it’s easy to be held back when trying to grow and develop by those closest to us. Like children coming home – still expect you to be the same and doing things the same way. Your development necessitates change which others in your life aren’t ready to experience in the same way that you are. I don’t want to say that they feel threatened by it – but it is likely to make them feel less than comfortable in themselves and how they now relate to you.
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Like children coming home – still expect you to be the same and doing things the same way. Your development necessitates change which others in your life aren’t ready to experience in the same way that you are.
Lordy! How true is that! BUT even having Bran here with us, it’s Drollery and me who have had the problem adjusting to changing our life. Bran’s ok with us doing whatever. But WE don’t know how to change. There’s always that feeling that we are the parents and our first duty is to the kids (and now grandkids). I have a sneaking suspicion it has a lot to do with how we were raised?
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I love Rilke…so glad you are finding comfort in his words!
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Rilke and Rumi… Good as old-fashioned Rock & Roll! 😀
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