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blogging101, Journaling, Just breathe..., Life Quotes, Quotes, Ranier Maria Rilke, Reflections, Uncategorized, Writing 101
I’m in one of those pondering moods again tonight. The writing from the devotional book I’m reading, A Year With Rilke, has stayed with me the whole day. I identify so much with the words he wrote. These words aren’t about the real, outer world around us, but of Rilke’s inner world. In his heart and mind and soul. At least that’s what I think. And I feel he’s a kindred spirit. All these emotions are mine as well.
“…but to me the far-off holds more life.” This is so me. It’s as if I’m always looking ahead thinking when I get to THAT place over THERE, THEN my life will start for real. All this other time has been spent taking care of everyone else, but MY time is coming right around the bend… (Of course it may actually be ME who has gone round the bend!)
I’ve explored so many places inside me looking for special bits and parts that make me who I am, just trying to get to know myself. And everything I’ve found has seemed wondrous to me. I gathered them and brought them out of my heart cave, spread them out in the sunshine, and took a good look at them. And I felt just like Rilke in the last stanza of this piece. I felt shame…
And my heart feels heavy tonight as I sit here pondering why in the world I should feel shame about any of those bits and pieces that make me who I am… (I just had to get this out of my system before I turned in for the night. Sometimes it helps to externalize what’s on my mind…)
Rilke’s writing is a continual treasure hunt for me.
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The Loner
Like one who has traveled distant oceans
am I among those who are forever at home.
The crowded days are spread across their tables,
but to me the far-off holds more life.
Behind my face stretches a world
no more lived in, perhaps, than the moon.
But the others leave no feeling alone
and all their words are inhabited.
The things I brought back with me
seem strange here and out of place.
In their own land they moved like animals,
but here they hold their breath in shame.
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Maybe we’re conditioned to do so?!?!
Just like in some ways we’re conditioned to feel guilty or selfish for wanting our alone time?!?!?
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I do think that’s part of it. Society conditions us to see ourselves as good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable, desirable/undesirable. So maybe it’s just that I’ve grown (or we’ve all grown) self-conscious of some of the wonderful things that make us us?
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I would agree…I do try not to be as self conscious as I used to be though.
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It seemed strange to me too, you said that everything you’ve found seemed wondrous to you, yet, shame is what you feel?
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It is, much to my puzzlement.
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I can understand experiencing a deep emotion – but shame? I don’t understand why shame?
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I don’t know either. I know I’ve been looking for the answer for years…
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It’s got me curious though. I wonder if it is somehow linked to deeply embedded memories and beliefs based on taught values. You know, like we are all inherently sinful and bad…and when the shame emerges it’s a healing release ? Just wondering….
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I would think it has to do with that, but feeling the shame doesn’t do anything to release or heal me from any of that. I read a book once in my deeply seeking days by John Bradshaw called “Healing the Shame That Binds You.” OML! I thought, this man has been in my head!!! It was the first time I realized that other people deal with these same issues. But I’m a fixer. I want to see it over and done with so I can move on. I’m beginning to think it doesn’t work that way.
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