I’m in one of those pondering moods again tonight. The writing from the devotional book I’m reading, A Year With Rilke, has stayed with me the whole day. I identify so much with the words he wrote. These words aren’t about the real, outer world around us, but of Rilke’s inner world. In his heart and mind and soul. At least that’s what I think. And I feel he’s a kindred spirit. All these emotions are mine as well.
“…but to me the far-off holds more life.” This is so me. It’s as if I’m always looking ahead thinking when I get to THAT place over THERE, THEN my life will start for real. All this other time has been spent taking care of everyone else, but MY time is coming right around the bend… (Of course it may actually be ME who has gone round the bend!)
I’ve explored so many places inside me looking for special bits and parts that make me who I am, just trying to get to know myself. And everything I’ve found has seemed wondrous to me. I gathered them and brought them out of my heart cave, spread them out in the sunshine, and took a good look at them. And I felt just like Rilke in the last stanza of this piece. I felt shame…
And my heart feels heavy tonight as I sit here pondering why in the world I should feel shame about any of those bits and pieces that make me who I am… (I just had to get this out of my system before I turned in for the night. Sometimes it helps to externalize what’s on my mind…)
Rilke’s writing is a continual treasure hunt for me.
Like one who has traveled distant oceans
am I among those who are forever at home.
The crowded days are spread across their tables,
but to me the far-off holds more life.
Behind my face stretches a world
no more lived in, perhaps, than the moon.
But the others leave no feeling alone
and all their words are inhabited.
The things I brought back with me
seem strange here and out of place.
In their own land they moved like animals,
but here they hold their breath in shame.