Tags

, , , , ,

`
I’ve finally finished my little experiment with the Seeker story. It’s been quite an adventure. I discovered a lot of things about myself I wasn’t very sure of before writing it. Finishing it up has left me feeling sort of “washed clean,” if that makes any sense. I was able to come to terms with what my personal take on faith is, and that’s left me in a place of real peace.

And THAT leaves me a bit befuddled. If you’ve read my ABOUT IMPROMPTU PROMPTLINGS or my ONE SEEKER’S JOURNEY pages from my menu above, then you know I’ve spent a considerable amount of writing time since I started this blog on October 16, 2014 digging around in my “heart cave” looking for forgotten or broken-off pieces of myself. Being a journaler I figured it would all be very therapeutic and in the end I’d have this great picture of who I had had/still had the potential to be. I thought I’d get to know myself really well and come to some kinds of peace and acceptance in my life and be able to move on (maybe with some NEW things to do in mind), just like I did with my faith while writing Seeker.

But it didn’t happen that way. In fact, when I realized a few months ago that there was nothing else in that “cave” I needed to dig up, I also realized there was no way to put back some of the pieces of me that I’d unearthed in my dig. So the outcome at the end was very different from finishing Seeker. And it depressed me. I had worked hard to sort through feelings and memories, and I have been thinking it was all for naught.

Then this morning in my devotional (A Year With Rilke: Daily Readings from the Best of Ranier Maria Rilke) the quote for the day felt like it really addressed my dilemma with how to feel about all my hard work in my “heart cave.”
`

Seek the inner depth of things, and when they lead you to the edge of a great discovery, discern whether it arises from a necessity of your being. Either this discovery will strike you as superficial and you will shed it, or it will reveal itself as intrinsic to you and grow into a strong and honest tool of your art. (Viareggio, April 5, 1903, Letters to a Young Poet)

`
I think the operative word there is “discern.” I jumped into my dig with no thought as to what I’d do with what I discovered. With Seeker I had a goal. I had a feeling I was trying to define my faith. But in my “cave” I quickly became overwhelmed as thoughts, memories, and (especially) unfulfilled longings piled up in the depths of my “cave.” This quote of Rilke’s, however, has made me feel like I can now look at what I found with a more critical eye.

Funny, I’ve been a journaler all my life, but I guess I never really felt I needed a goal for all that writing. It was just a release valve for me. I learned a good lesson from this past couple years of writing, though. I know now if I set out to do a specific kind of writing (which I was doing as we did the Sandbox Writing Challenges here from The Playful Way to Knowing Yourself by Roberta Allen) then I’d best be having a goal or at least a direction in mind!

What about you guys out there who are journalers? Have you ever found yourself in a similar spot? I’d really like to know…

`

`

 

 

Advertisements