What is something you wish you could leave behind?
Let’s be honest… I wish I could get to the place in my life where I would realize that even though some of my choices haven’t been the best over the years, I was likely doing the best I could with the information and experience I had at the time. Is that just an excuse, do you figure? A way to justify being lazy or forgetful or self-righteous or even just careless?
I have specific regrets for so many things I can’t seem to let go of. For months before his passing my dad asked me to go with him to the library and show him how to use the computers since they’d done away with the card catalogs in the drawers. I must have said I would ten times — and then he was gone. Why was it so hard for me to make that small time in my schedule? Especially when I knew the library was such a big part of his life. He’s the one who taught me to love books.
My dad had congestive heart failure and withered within days before our eyes. My mother didn’t want his life prolonged by artificial means — even though he had indicated he was open to Peritoneal dialysis. We argued, and I accused her of not loving him. It took me fifteen years and grief counseling to realize that the reason she could feel that way was because she DID love him much more than my siblings an I did. We were selfish, just didn’t want to lose him. She didn’t want him to suffer. She died the next year. How I wish I could tell her I get it now.
But I think the worst for me was a to-do at our son’s wedding reception. That night my cousin’s hip popped out of place and I ended up going with her to the hospital. I was not there for most of the reception. And as we pulled away I saw Bran come out of the venue and look around, wondering where I had gone. It broke my heart. I felt I was just not there for him. That’s the biggest regret I have in my life. I should have stayed and just let her husband go with her. Instead I missed pert near the whole reception. For ten years I have felt supremely guilty for abandoning my son that night. I have repeated asked for his forgiveness, and he is so sweet about it. It’s ME that can’t let it go.
One of my biggest flaws as a human is not knowing how to let go of the past. I wish I could leave it be and focus on looking forward instead of back…
What about you? What would YOU like to leave behind?