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The Sandbox Writing Challenge 22 — Vulnerable

This is a pretty confrontive prompt in my opinion. It will be interesting to see how honest I feel I can be. 😮 After all, no one wants to make themselves DELIBERATELY vulnerable!

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vulnerable

What makes you feel vulnerable?

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This is not a hard prompt for me. Being (or feeling like I am) out of control of what happens to me makes me feel vulnerable 24/7. That feeling is always there running under the surface of me, even when I’m not focusing on it. For example, when I was first diagnosed with this autoimmune thing I was terrified to go out of the house for fear of falling. I knew if that happened someone would have to be called to help because I had no strength in my legs.

Well it did happen one day on the way to a doc’s appointment. The paramedics came and I was a bit scared and totally humiliated. I really just thought, “Let me die right now, Lord, before they get here.!!!” (I know, I know…)

So that is my greatest vulnerability. In fact, I have nightmares about being stuck in a convalescent center and needing help in the night. I push the button for the nurse but no one ever comes. So I know how deeply embedded that fear is. But alas I’m at a place in my life where I need to get over it and to stop feeling humiliated and helpless when I need other people to pitch in when I need help. SO much easier said than done!

Some years ago the idea of vulnerability was brought home to me by a tiny creature. My friend reminded me of it this morning…

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Spiders in the Bathtub

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Round and round the tub
the wretched thing ran,
eight legs in constant,
useless motion
as it tried to scale
the porcelain walls.

The hair raised on
the back of my neck
while shivers migrated
down my arms.
Cursed thing!
And hollering at my husband
to come and get it out,
I started downstairs
to fetch a robe.

But somewhere between
the fifth step and
the bottom landing,
I paused to consider
the spider’s plight.

Would a spider feel panic
in such a hopeless situation?
Is there a spider god
to which it would cry out
begging for mercy and
deliverance?
Or would it finally
just sit quietly,
resigned to whatever end
the fates had in store,
coming to grips at last
with its own impotency?

I sighed wearily…knowingly…
and a wave of kinship
swept over my heart.
Quickly I retraced my steps
intent on rescuing
the creature and
putting it outside
where it could at least
live out its spider life
safe from any harm
at my family’s hand.

But just as I reached
the top of the stairs
I heard the toilet flush
and knew the deed was done.
Standing in the doorway
I watched my husband
throw a crumpled
tissue in the trash –
the spider’s shroud…
And I felt very, very sad,

and,
somehow,
very vulnerable.

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11/15/2003
10:16p.m.

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Picture Sources:
Woman falling — Bigstock
Spider 1 — The Guardian
Spider 2 — ?