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In a reflective mood this morning. Stef, Jesse, and the grandkiddos were here last night to celebrate Brandon (40) and Lydia’s (3) birthdays. Alexa was playing waltzes, of all things, because Lydie had on a tulle skirt and looked very much like a ballerina. She wanted to twirl! I kept thinking how fascinated my dad would have been with that Alexa technology. He’s where I got my curiosity from. 😀

And later, as I sat watching the kids pile on Bran as he opened his present, I couldn’t help think how much my mom would have enjoyed her great-grandkids. She used to love to cuddle with her own grandkids when they were little, always wanting hugs and kisses. But as soon as they got old enough that they had other things they’d rather be doing (and I think all kids go through that), she would get her feelings hurt because she didn’t know how to connect with them emotionally when they began to be their own persons. Much like it was with my siblings and me.

I’ve realized after all these years (she passed away in 1998) how lonely she must really have been, how starved for affection. Especially after dad was gone. But she was so hurt from a first marriage that she put some very tall walls around her heart. She was hesitant to let anyone in except the children. And then only for a time.

She was still on my mind when I went to bed last night, and I grabbed a pen and wrote a haiku about it. So spur of the moment…

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adrift

her life seemed unmoored
adrift on seas of sadness
becalmed and thirsting

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Picture Sources:
Boat– Reflections on Grace
Lady — Medium