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noun: understudy; plural noun: understudies
  1. (in the theater) a person who learns another’s role in order to be able to act as a replacement at short notice.
    Synonyms: stand-in, substitute, replacement, reserve, fill-in, locum, proxy, backup, relief, standby, stopgap

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This has been a long week with some personal things going on in the family. Sometimes I tend to feel overwhelmed and wonder when I might actually get to start living a bit of the life I envisioned for myself when I was fresh out of college. You know what I mean? The time you decided you would have later after you went ahead and had that family? When they were raised, you reasoned, you’d have all this space for yourself, or for you and your spouse to get reacquainted after a sabbatical of becoming someone else through all those child-rearing years.

I would love to have a whole week to myself where I could eat if and when I wanted without being responsible for anyone else. To be able to stay in my pajamas all day if I wished and work on the manuscript I have done that needs a first edit. To be able to sit and blog to my heart’s content without feeling guilty because I know there are things I should be doing. Then to go to Starbucks to meet a friend if I needed to stretch my legs. What would that be like, I wonder? Even if only for a week…

On her blog this morning Spiritual Dragonfly posted a quote by John William Tuohy that had the following line in it:

I was living life as if it were a rehearsal for the real thing.

Not being in the best of places emotionally, it made me all teary. It made me teary because it’s exactly how I’ve felt the last year. As I said to Ms. Dragonfly, so often I feel as if I’m just the understudy in my life and the actual actress whose life I shadow will never get sick or have to take the night off… And yet it sounds so selfish of me to say, when do I get MY time?

That quote has been following me around all day demanding I give it a voice. I have done so now. And I wonder if any of you guys out there, women OR men, ever feel that way…

Do stop by Dragonfly’s blog, Spiritual Dragonfly, when you get a chance. She says the most profound things. And she takes very calming, beautiful pictures!