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blogging101, Creative Writing, Faith and Writing, Journaling, Lent 2016, Quotes, Reflections, Writing 101, Writing Prompts
Lent Photo-A-Day (February 10 – March 27, 2016)
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Day 16 — Retreat
My mind didn’t go where I thought it would when I saw this word. You’ve all heard me go on over the months about my fondness for Our Lady of the Mountains Retreat House where our women’s group met every year and how I loved it there. But strangely that’s not what I thought of.
I looked at Dictionary.com and found two main ideas for the word retreat. The first was a military term, the forced or strategic withdrawal of an army or an armed force before an enemy, or the withdrawing of a naval force from action. The second, a place of refuge, seclusion, or privacy; a retirement or a period of retirement for religious exercises and meditation. But what came to my mind was more of a behavior.
I’m not a person who likes confrontation and will do just about anything to avoid it. I also really struggle with feelings of inadequacy and shame when I think I’ve done something wrong. It’s not uncommon for me to simply run and hide, keep my head down for awhile if I think I’ve hurt someone, offended someone, acted like an idiot, said something stupid, or was embarrassed for nearly any reason. I’m that way with most people — sometimes even Lord Drollery and my kids — and I’m certainly that way with God. I’ll pack my emotional baggage in a knapsack and retreat to a hiding place inside where no one can get to me while I process what the heck happened.
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This past year I’ve worked really hard to be able to say what my truth is without feeling like I’ve made a faux pas, a mistake that makes me want to hide from the world, to stay out of people’s way until they forget what a blockhead I’ve been. It’s really hard for me to do with people, but I think it may be even harder with God. He’s a little hard to hide from, but I give it my best shot.
So when I find myself in those situations where I feel like I’ve let God down, my first reaction, just like with the people in my life, is to run and hide emotionally and spiritually until I think the coast is clear again.
Who knows how I ended up that way? I don’t. I just know I’m weary of feeling like I’m always saying or doing the wrong things. This is a wounded place in my life that desperately needs to be healed. And with God’s help, I’ll keep working on it.
I feel that as long as you’re honest, you have the opportunity to grow. It’s when you shut down, go into denial, and try to start hiding things from yourself and others, that’s when you lock in certain behaviors and attitudes that keep you stuck. (Tracy McMillan)
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Picture Credit: jixifox.me
Soul Gifts said:
Sweet Heart , remember ? God is UNCONDITIONALLY loving. We, in our woundedness, are not 🙂
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Jay said:
Courageous writing to follow your instinct with that word.
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calensariel said:
I’m a glutton for punishment, Jay. What can I say? 🙂
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annacottage said:
£59 per room per night Premier Inn it’s called The London Victoria, I’ll get more details for you, it’s a bit better than a TravelLodge, supposed to be but give me day to find out more. You can get ripped off here, do not pay all those $.
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annacottage said:
There are plenty I will try and find out for you.
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calensariel said:
Thanks. The one the cruise line contracts with is like $400 a night!
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annacottage said:
3280/290 per night is it per room or per person, whatever it is too much. Let me look around.
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calensariel said:
I’m pretty sure it was per room.
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Walking My Path: Mindful Wanderings in Nature said:
I hate that feeling that you described so well. It used to keep me up at night, replaying the day and all the dumb things I said. In the middle of the night, waking up to “OH no! What did I say? What if they took it this way or that?” I now check things out right away. More often than not, they don’t even remember it, but if they do, we can talk about it and it can be gone. I think for sensitive introverts, which I’m guessing you are (like me) I go into freeze mode, and have to retreat until like you said, figure out what the heck happened, untangle it in my mind until I can rationally discuss or fix whatever it was.
It’s a great word, retreat. The two meanings are almost opposing – running away vs going into nurturing space.
Though provoking post. Thanks Cheryl.
Mary
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calensariel said:
The two meanings are almost opposing – running away vs going into nurturing space. Yes. That’s it exactly, Mary. I seem to be loaded down with all kinds of behaviors like that. I’m relieved to know that someone else gets that.
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loristrawn said:
You and me…same boat. Working on it!
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calensariel said:
This is so comforting to know other folks experience the same behavior. Thanks for your comment, Lori. If you sort anything out, let me know!
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annacottage said:
It is always best to be honest with one’s self and God in particular.
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calensariel said:
Question is, do I even know what my own truth is…
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annacottage said:
Yes, you should do
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calensariel said:
Where that’s certainly one place where you and I differ! Hey, what’s a nice, cheap hotel around Victoria Station? Or is there one?
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