This past 18 or so months I’ve been working really hard at learning to live in the present moment. I’ve often joked that my cemetery marker will say “She was so busy regretting the past and fearing the future that she never learned to live in the moment.” Well, I think I’ve made a huge leap out of the past. Over the months I’ve consciously let go of so many things. One regret in particular that I had about our son’s wedding has loosened its tendrils from around my heart and I’m beginning to make different decisions about my relationship with him based on what’s good for him, not on trying to make up for something that happened years ago. I’m finally beginning to move forward into the present.
So while in this present moment, Drollery and I are starting to think about giving away a lot of stuff. Or just plain throwing it out. I admit I have a hard time getting rid of things that are special to me because they belonged to my folks or they were gifts from someone. But as we’ve been anticipating the necessity of downsizing, it has finally hit me that what I DON’T get rid of now, my kids are going to throw out when I’m gone. And that includes all sorts of things that are very sacred to me.
The other day when we were talking, I got this picture in my head of the kids coming home after my funeral and immediately starting to dump treasures like my Avon Apple I talked about a day or so ago. The dragonfly ornaments, bookmarks, etc. that pepper the rooms in our house. The pillow that’s buried in my cedar chest, faded now but still bearing the picture of Brandon when he was three months old.
More and more things kept popping into my head and before I knew it I was on the verge of an anxiety attack as I looked at the future and saw my life being thrown in the garbage. It gave me a really creepy feeling. Not one I wanted to dwell on. To be honest it made me wonder if I’m a bit of an emotional wingnut that I would find myself fretting over something like that. Obviously the future needs a lot of sorting out for me.
But I’m curious. Is it just me, or has anyone else’s mind ever gone there? Ever thought about all the memories that are attached the things that will go in the dumpster? One minute you’re here and they’re loved and cherished, and the next minute your not, and they’re junk. I guess I’m kind of caught off guard. I truly thought the past would be the hard thing to let go of. But maybe I have it all wrong.
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Picture Credits:
Live in the moment today — www.julielefebure.com
Anticipating the future — smilebuttercup.wordpress.com
Cookie Monster — meditateinnorthants.com
Impromptu Promptlings 
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Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate you comments. 🙂
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This is interesting because it is a topic and issue we all deal with in our lives. When our four sons finally left home for college we got rid of and sold almost all our posessions so we could move to another country. It was extremely difficult and extremely valuable a process and lesson.
I really learnt that it is all just STUFF and not as important as we think it is. The more we got rid of, the freer we both felt. Finally we spent two years living nomadically, with just a small suitcase each. I have never felt so free and light and focused on bring in the present, not the past.
Its all about attachment to things. Lessons about attachment and the meaning of life and being. I realised at the end of the day, all said and done, I woukd need to choose between STUFF and experiences. I chose the latter!
Thank you for this thoughtful and interesting, well written, post.
Peta
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Hi, Peta, and welcome. I sure can see how you would feel free and light having done that. It sounds like such an adventurous lifestyle, and I’ve met three other couples on here who have done the same thing. I think when I was younger I would have been chomping at the bit to do that. Now that I’m older and slowing down my focus has changed a lot, which is why I struggle with this so much, I think. Had lunch with a friend yesterday who suggested that I never had the opportunity as a young adult to learn that I could take care of myself. I went right from my folks’ home to setting up my own with Drollery. It’s as if I skipped a growth point in there. The more I thought about it last night, the more I wondered if all this is tied up in that basic problem. Still pondering it.
I so appreciate your comment. The more of those stories I hear, the more I get an urge to step out of my comfort zone. So where are you in your life journey now?
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Are you joking! Yes I am sentimental at times too much, like being a Romantic. I have seen my Sons, as Children, go through their Father’s Funeral, I want to make mine as easy as possible for them. I will be scattered in Killarney with the Ashes of my Cross Border Collie, yes I am sentimental.
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I met about things, not people related stuff… 🙂
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I am very sentimental about things, stupid little things I hang onto. Things my Father gave me, not that many, but I have to keep them, in particular drawings and little things the Boys made for me when they were at school. Stones from Beaches in Ireland, happy times had then stones from Cornwall Beaches – memories of holidays there. Sentimental for things, yes.
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Whenever I attend an estate sale, I feel deep sorrow at what was left behind. Will the person be remembered? Often I buy a little something just so they won’t. Is that terribly soppy of me?
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Absolutely not! I’m very tender-hearted like that, too. When we were putting flowers on my folks’ graves one day, we met a young woman kneeling by four fresh grave markers — one grave. She had given birth to quints and lost them all. She was devastated because they were military and had gotten orders to move. And she didn’t want to leave her girls there. We told her as long as we were coming to the cemetery regularly, we would make sure the babies had flowers on their graves. Eventually she had them moved to her home town.
There’s also an elderly gentlemen whose wife’s grave is right by our plots. He’s kind of built a little memorial with a park bench right by it and roses planted around it. He tends it so lovingly and is worried his kids won’t even come to bring flowers when he passes away. We made him the same promise. There are so many of us who are afraid of being forgotten for some reason. As if when the tethers of this world are cut we will float off into space and be lost and alone forever. I LOVE what you do at estate sales, Lori. I may just have to take up a new hobby…
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Completely different then, I am going by when David ( Mother) died, the coffin was always closed by the undertakers. Unless it was in the house like back home still in some houses in Ireland.
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Personally I think in the house sounds lovely if you have room for the funeral there, too. Me… I’d rather have a wake! Lots of beer!!! 😀
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They don’t have Wakes here. Funerals take too long. When David died on December 15 had the Priest not had a word with the Undertakers David’s Funeral/Cremation would not have been until the New Year – far too long, instead his Funeral and Cremation was on December 23rd it was the most beautiful sunny day, there were even crocus out – odd. Hope you get your wake. I just want to be Blessed/Cremated. Wicker Basket/or Cardboard box – no fuss. Scattered in Ireland and maybe some here in England.
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Are you not very sentimental, Anna?
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I’m already downsizing because i have boxes of my Mom’s stuff and boxes of my brother’s stuff still in my basement. A lot of the kitchen things have gone to my boys as they moved out and to my stepdaughter but I know I have to throw things away because being the one that has always had to do it for others, I don’t want to leave that to my kids. 😕 There’s no guilt if i choose to toss out , whereas there will be if they have to.
Anyone who walks into mt place and expresses interest in anything, I say ” you like that? Take it!”
She turned into her motherrrrrrrr! Haha!
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“Anyone who walks into mt place and expresses interest in anything, I say ” you like that? Take it!” OML!!! LMBO! THAT’S what I should do! (Don’t we ALL turn into our mothers??? 😀 )
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What an interesting post and trail of comments. We are all so different which is what makes the world such an interesting place 🙂 We’ve been through the sorting out stuff twice when my parents died. Mum went first and it was easier in a way as Dad still needed stuff. He couldn’t make any decisions as it was all too hard with the treasured memories attached to the most ordinary things – some of which I would have chucked out. Because they held no special place in my heart. We did after he died. And that was just as it should have been. After Dad died we had a collective extended family night where each person chose what was special for them. And some more special items (like Dad’s war medals) were discussed and collectively decided on. It was an interesting experience, and one that brought us all closer together. The other interesting thing was that there was no bickering or disagreement. Everyone got what was important and special to them. We now of course are faced with our own decluttering – there’s lots of stuff that should and will go as I work my way through the cupboards. And it will still leave more than enough for the kids to decide about when the time comes. What they do with it will be up to them – I will no longer have any use for them after all 🙂
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You know I am beginning to realize that there is SOMETHING BEHIND those feelings. I know it’s not about the stuff. But as of yet I’ve not put my finger on it. Maybe when I do I’ll be able to let go of the future, too? (PS. Will answer your email in the morning. Just got home from the movies and I’m about asleep! 🙂 )
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Have a good sleep – maybe you will wake inspired 🙂
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Nah… It was one of those nights when Drollery stopped breathing every other breath — for 20 or more seconds. I’m afraid he and I are going to come to blows over his bull-headedness about using his C-PAP!
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This is an interesting post, Lady C. My husband and I are going through something similar. All of our kids have moved far away. We have this big house that we have filled with art we’ve collected during our travels. Now what to do with it as we contemplate downsizing.
My mother died suddenly at 77 of a mistake in a routine medical procedure. Strangely enough I was visiting about 4 months earlier and she took me on a tour of her house, the house where I grew up. And she told me stories about the salt cellar of her mother’s and the wedding china of my paternal grandmother’s. I took notes. This was important to her. That was 16 years ago and I am just now letting go of some of her stuff. I sent my kids off with some of her stuff – cook ware, dishes, glasses. I still wear her clothes. I seem to have taken to her style in my old age. 🙂 I got all her old diaries and my dad’s love letters to her when they were separated for a year. But I am starting to let go.
I do hope I can find good homes for our art. Our kids do not like the art we like. Nor are they “stuff” people. None of the four of them. So if we don’t deal with it, they will have to. But who knows. I still cook out of a pan that was my grandmother’s that I got because when she died I was a newly wed and needed it the most. And I still wear my other grandmother’s wedding ring because it fits me perfectly and it matches the 10 year anniversary ring my husband gave me 17 years ago.
So i guess it’s a balance. Giving and keeping. What we keep our kids will have to deal with. And who knows what they will cherish. Like the wine colored sweater of my dad’s that i wear every winter and he’s been gone for 35 years. Or the pink shirt of my mom’s that I wear all summer. Oh, I’m getting all nostalgic. It’s late and I should turn in and snuggle under the comforter my mom gave us as a wedding gift. Your posts make me smile.
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Indulge me if you will. When my paternal grandmother died her five grown children gathered in her apartment to disperse her personal items. This is my dad, his three brothers and one sister – all in their 50s and 60s at the time. So my uncle tells me they all sat in a circle and took turns taking an item of their mother’s. My uncle said that from time to time one would get up to get some water or go to the bathroom and when he/she returned her/his “pile” would have increased in size. There was no pilfering going on, quite the opposite. Maybe I should make up a word for it – maybe “reilfering”. I’ll go to bed now! 🙂
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LOL! That’s a hoot. Yes, that’s an interesting word! I think the worst thing for me when my mom passed was having an estate sale. It really hurt seeing the things she loved being taken out of the house by total strangers. I tried to tell myself if they didn’t love whatever it was they wouldn’t have bought it. Didn’t help. (Btw, I don’t have garage or yard sales either! Only once. That was enough for me!
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I’m so glad to hear you’re surrounded by love. That’s what it feels like to me, anyway.
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So glad Cheryl you did this blog. When David died I couldn’t stand to part with anything belonging to him, I spoke to the Boys about it and they told me to keep them until the time when I may want to give away everything. Well it was 16 years of living with all of David’s clothes etc, I kept only really sentimental items. When the day came and I gave David’s things away, I felt relieved. Just over a year ago I told the Boys that when I die they can do whatever they want with what I leave. Jonathan wan’t some of Rod’s personal items, there are some very personal photographs of his I want burnt the rest of everything I have of him will go to a University in America in memory of Rod.
I have realized Cheryl that there is no point in hanging onto things, unless they will be of use, I know the Boys want my two Wedding Rings, and some other items, but as for the rest I won’t be here so why keep it. Memories will always be in your head you don’t need a piece of china etc to remember. Great Blog. (now forgive me I am off upstairs for my hour long soak, have a good evening).
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It’s interesting, Anna, that you mentioned the wedding ring. That is a HUGE deal for me. I can’t decide whether to be buried with it or give it to Stef. It’s my most precious possession. I think in our funeral plans I have that I want to be buried in it. But we did all that stuff 20 years ago. Not sure I feel the same way now…
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I trust they are more honest over there than here, it is always known that when undertakers (not all of course) close the coffins they take such things as Rings, true believe me. My first Wedding ring just a plain gold ring my eldest Son wants, when we had a Blessing some years later David bought me a Gold Russian ring that my youngest Son wants. I have told the Boys to take them off me asap when I die.
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Well, the family is in the room with the casket when it is closed and are always with it from then on to the cemetery. I never worried about that.
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This is an interesting, thougth-provoking post.
By the time my mum died she’d got rid of as much as she could because she wanted to minimise our distress (she still had a lot of stuff, so it was a painful job anyway). She was never a sentimental sort. Things meant little to her, and the memories of our childhood were stored in her head. I guess if she had lived a tribal life she would have been a storyteller. I was childishly hurt that she no longer had the picture I appliqued at school when I was 6 years old. I wanted to frame it.
I’ve never thought about the things my children will get rid of after I die, but I hope they’ll take everything to an Oxfam shop, so that strangers can enjoy them and wonder at their history, and the profit from them can go to help people in need. I’d like my children to forget me until they reach the point where they can think of me and smile at the memories, but that’s not how it works.
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I do agree about that. The things I’m not sentimentally attached to can go right away. I don’t think Drollery’s on board with that, though. He’s even more of a sentimental slob than me!
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Sounds like you’ve got a tough job ahead of you…
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The only ‘things’ that really matter to me are my grandfathers beat up bible and his wedding ring….Otherwise, we don’t have much….So I’m not that concerned about what is done with any of the inconsequential stuff that I have. If they choose to keep any of my dragonflies, great, if not, that’s ok too……..only thing I worry about are those naked photos Jim took of me!!!! Guess I should get rid of those, don’t want to scar my kids!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Don’t get rid of those pics Linda, you need to “show” all your gorgeous talented pics and Jim’s contribution would show the beautiful Linda that gives so much.
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Awwww…thank you Anna. The photos are on my pc, saved in folders…and on discs…the kids will always be able to see them! 😊
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LOL! Hell! I’d pin them suckers up all over the place if I had YOUR body!!! 😀
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Jim had one done up in a poster..lol
It’s hanging on our bedroom wall….no one enters that room but us!! lol
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Coward! 😀
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Planning funerals and what is going to happen to your stuff is living in the future. You sound if you are grieving for things that haven’t happened yet.
I have these collections of books, CDs, vinyl and all manner of nick-nacks. My wife is always saying I have to get rid and what about the kids, and all that.
Well I tell her – when I am gone they can build a big funeral pyre made up of all my possessions, put me on top and set fire to it.
Until then I’ll enjoy my stuff and to hell with what will happen to it in days to come. When that happens I won’t care.
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You know, Opher, I’ve been thinking about your comment all day. I know it’s not just about what I said in the post. There’s something deeper that I need to grieve through. You’re right. You hit the nail right on the head.
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