This past 18 or so months I’ve been working really hard at learning to live in the present moment. I’ve often joked that my cemetery marker will say “She was so busy regretting the past and fearing the future that she never learned to live in the moment.” Well, I think I’ve made a huge leap out of the past. Over the months I’ve consciously let go of so many things. One regret in particular that I had about our son’s wedding has loosened its tendrils from around my heart and I’m beginning to make different decisions about my relationship with him based on what’s good for him, not on trying to make up for something that happened years ago. I’m finally beginning to move forward into the present.
So while in this present moment, Drollery and I are starting to think about giving away a lot of stuff. Or just plain throwing it out. I admit I have a hard time getting rid of things that are special to me because they belonged to my folks or they were gifts from someone. But as we’ve been anticipating the necessity of downsizing, it has finally hit me that what I DON’T get rid of now, my kids are going to throw out when I’m gone. And that includes all sorts of things that are very sacred to me.
The other day when we were talking, I got this picture in my head of the kids coming home after my funeral and immediately starting to dump treasures like my Avon Apple I talked about a day or so ago. The dragonfly ornaments, bookmarks, etc. that pepper the rooms in our house. The pillow that’s buried in my cedar chest, faded now but still bearing the picture of Brandon when he was three months old.
More and more things kept popping into my head and before I knew it I was on the verge of an anxiety attack as I looked at the future and saw my life being thrown in the garbage. It gave me a really creepy feeling. Not one I wanted to dwell on. To be honest it made me wonder if I’m a bit of an emotional wingnut that I would find myself fretting over something like that. Obviously the future needs a lot of sorting out for me.
But I’m curious. Is it just me, or has anyone else’s mind ever gone there? Ever thought about all the memories that are attached the things that will go in the dumpster? One minute you’re here and they’re loved and cherished, and the next minute your not, and they’re junk. I guess I’m kind of caught off guard. I truly thought the past would be the hard thing to let go of. But maybe I have it all wrong.