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blogging101, Creative Writing, Faith and Writing, Family, Hundred and Counting, Journaling, Quotes, Reflections, Sandbox Writing Challenge, Self-actualization, Writing 101
When I saw this next prompt in the the workbook for The Sandbox Writing Challenge 10, I knew immediately what I would write. And after skewing it a little bit and posting all these pixs, I knew exactly WHICH picture to choose, WHO she was talking to, and WHAT they were talking about! It’s definitely pix #4. I know because over this last year of blogging I’ve had to put up with A LOT of criticism on the home front.
That woman is someone from our church. Not anyone in particular, mind you, just your nominal Chrissy Christian organizer… She’s talking to my sister and they’re having difficulty understanding why I’ve said NO to being on a certain committee. ESPECIALLY doing something I’ve always loved to do and I’m good at! They simply CANNOT get their minds around the idea that God has laid it on my heart to be a part of the care ministry at church and said to me it’s enough. I pour a lot of time and effort into visiting the seniors and shut-ins placed in my care, and I’m not a person who multitasks well at all (in fact, science now says that’s a myth — multitasking doesn’t allow you to give anything 100% of your attention).
So after being asked repeatedly over the last two years, and after finding a bit of a “spine” through my year of blogging (and listening to Plato’s firm belief that you can’t say whole-heartedly YES until you first learn to say NO), I said emphatically NO! And my sister, in particular, is having a hard time dealing with it!
That’s happened more and more this past year since I’ve been blogging. Even here at home as when I decided I did NOT want to go to hear a speaker that Drollery and Bran were going to go listen to. Good Lord! You would have thought the roof was going to fall in any moment! And there were some kind of angry feelings about it. But learning to say NO has been very liberating to me. I’ve decided you can equate the difficulties inherent in sprinkling it liberally through your vocabulary with the family of an addicted person.
We know that when an alcoholic (for example) gets a handle on things and begins to get their life in order, it’s often very hard on the family (thus the organization of Alanon and Alateen). It’s hard because they’re used to that person acting in a specific way, and when that changes, the family is a bit at a loss. They may have become so used to covering up drunken binges by calling in sick for the person that in the end they become enablers. In my opinion (though I could be wrong), I think it’s the same thing.
All my life I’ve been a people pleaser, subjugating my own wants and needs to everyone elses’. Those who know me here are used to that. They could count on it, and they were able to take advantage of me because of it. But finding my voice with the NO word is like having a magic key. All of a sudden there’s a certain freedom in my life I’m not sure I’ve ever known. And my family and friends don’t understand what happened. And they sure as hell don’t like it! Am I really good at using it? Not yet, but I’m getting there.
But I’ve decided I can’t always live my life around what other people expect of me. It’s not MY life then. Laura over at Hundred and Counting said it very well in a post she did this morning. She said:
You might find that someone in your life doesn’t accept you for who you really are (too bad if that’s your boss). If that happens, finding out is probably best for both parties. It’s been a long and hard path for me to take, but I’m finally learning that the only kind of relationship that is worth keeping is an honest relationship where you can be your true self. No pretending, no wanna-bedom. Relationships where you can laugh when you feel like laughing, and cry when you feel like crying.
I’ve come to the same conclusion this year. So let the gals on the line wail and moan to each other about my uncooperativeness as much as they want. (Partly, I think, they’re just mad because they can’t control me anymore…imho.) As for me I WANT to be able to say YES with passion to life and whatever it throws my way to do. Learning to say NO was a big first step for me…
platosgroove said:
That made me smile.
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calensariel said:
Did you think the things you said were going over my head? Lordy! You went back far to find this one!!! 😀
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platosgroove said:
It came up in my feed
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platosgroove said:
It was about breathing too. After you say no that is. 🙂
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calensariel said:
It came up from all that long time ago, or were you searching for breathing? Too weird.
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Colette B said:
You always weave such a great article around these prompts and here’s another one 🙂 Saying no to people we love and care about is so difficult but saying yes for feeling obliged is so very uncomfortable. It’s far better to be clear with an honest ‘no’ 🙂 I think you were right too to prioritise your direct support activity over a committee too – what can start as ‘just a periodic meeting’ can end up with lots more to do than just attend those 🙂
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calensariel said:
Thanks, hon. It’s amazingly hard, isn’t it, to learn to say no when you need to because you know your own limitations. I still don’t have it right, but at least I understand the need now…
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JMDLEFLORE said:
Oh I applaud this so much, I think I in my case I am still on this balancing scale, everyonce in a while I will say something with passion and either make a lot of people laugh, or make a lot of people cry.
At the end of the day we all struggle with what we fantasize people should be like (including ourselves) and the reality of what we are. I guess people want what they want and like children will manifest their anxiety when it does not line up. But it all comes at a cost.Some more changing than others.
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calensariel said:
Manifesting our anxiety… Yes. That would make a terrific subject for a post. IF I could figure out all the ways I DO that!
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in567 said:
So not easy for one to say no and not try to keep pleasing others, for their approval and acceptance. Great post!
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calensariel said:
No, it’s sure not. It’s the same as an addiction. We don’t do things we don’t get something out of. In this case, a false sense of self-esteem. At least for me. Thanks so much for stopping by. I appreciate your comment.
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Jay said:
It’s a real blessing to be able to say no without guilt. And there shouldn’t be guilt. We can’t help how others react to it, but keep the strength to keep being honest with ourselves. Good for you!
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calensariel said:
Thanks, Jay. I’m learning. Still fall into old patterns sometimes, but it’s lots better than it was. Thank you so much for stopping by. It’s nice to meet you.
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nonsmokingladybug said:
I have a hard time saying “No” and I am old enough to know about myself. So, now, I always sleep over it, for at least one night. Then, the next morning, that’s when I make my decision and say “No” when I feel that’s the right thing to do.
I am not everybody’s darling anymore, but still, even though I know it, I say “yes” way too often. But I guess that’s just part of me and my upbringing. Not too much I can do about it.
Saying “yes” too often is alright, as long as I make sure I have time for myself as well, that much I learned. I take me time out of my busy days and I love it. 🙂
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calensariel said:
And that’s where I’ve really screwed up, why I would end up getting so overwhelmed. But I’m learnin’ Bridget!
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Gradmama2011 said:
this is great…cheers… it has taken me years to learn to say no. no, no
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calensariel said:
Me, too! I’ll be 65 in a few months! 😀
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Gradmama2011 said:
.81
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Fimnora Westcaw said:
*standing up and pumping my fist up at the sky* YES! Good for you! Not an easy thing to do, but now you have folks who really DO care about and hear you. We’re rooting for you, my friend! And are here for you, too. {{{{Calen}}}}
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Calensariel said:
😀 One of whom I will be talking to in a couple hours! 😉
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Fimnora Westcaw said:
😀
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Laura said:
Good for you! It’s understandable from the family and friend’s pov, they’ve never had trouble from you before and now… But they’ll only respect you for sticking up for yourself once they get past the initial shock. 🙂
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Calensariel said:
Shock is putting it mildly! LOL 😀
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spiritualdragonfly said:
You go GF!! Isn’t it amazing how a little 2 letter word like NO can be so liberating!!!! And don’t ya just love knowing you’ve thrown them all for a loop standing up for yourself!!!! 👊 Here’ to finally saying Yes to NO!!! 👊
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Calensariel said:
Hm… Here’ to finally saying Yes to NO!!! I’m thinkin’ t-shirt…
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spiritualdragonfly said:
T-shirts,,,bumper stickers,,,coffee mugs! 😄
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