“…about friendship with the Self. That’s right – your friendship with yourself! Here’s some suggestions you might want to consider to get those creative juices flowing: How do you show yourself that you’re friends? Where in your mud map do you sit? Are you a special friend? Have you ever given yourself a gift? Is there something unique about your friendship with yourself?”
I KNEW I was in trouble with that second question about the mud map as I pictured myself somewhere between a close friend with whom I could be open, but with whom I don’t have enough contact to really deepen the relationship, and an acquaintance on the fringe of my world who is in and out on a regular basis but with whom I usually wouldn’t share much of my life. (My mud map post.) At least that’s the way it was when I started blogging in October 2014.
Things are changing. Slowly, but surely. I’ve never been good at taking care of my own needs. I programmed myself to be there for everyone else. Yes, I programmed me that way. It was a response to the way things were in my family growing up. I was trying to not repeat certain patterns. Trouble was, I went too far in the other direction and became a person who did everything for everyone else and ended up putting myself last.
Blogging, and the affirmation I’ve received from so many of you, has done one important thing for me. It’s opened up my mind to new possibilities, new landscapes for myself. That’s a good thing, mostly. What’s hard about it is that when I try to assert that new part of me that is ready to step up and be my own best friend, folks at home often don’t like the changes I’d like to see happen because sometimes those changes spill over onto their behavior. Like the family of an addict. You can’t just fix the addict. You’ve got to work on the family, too, or things may end up back at square one because that’s most comfortable for the family — even if it’s not the most desirable outcome.
As a result of the great support I’ve gotten here, I am starting to look at what my core needs really are. That inner part of me that has felt abandoned for years is beginning to realize it MIGHT be okay to come out and share herself with me. We’re not friends yet. Well, not GOOD friends, but we’re not just acquaintance anymore either. There is a budding relationship there.
So while I can’t say I’m my own special friend, I can say I’m learning to like me a lot, and I’m looking forward to spending more time in my own company. Does that make sense? Right now WE are working on having “me, myself, and I dates” at least once a week. Even if that means running away for awhile, because how else are we going to get better acquainted if we don’t spend any time together? (I may have to restrict our visits to Starbucks, however!)