Grudges, I’ve learned, are a total waste of time and they just plain wear me out emotionally. Now that’s not to say I haven’t been known to CARRY grudges for a while, but the reason has usually been because I’m scared of any resulting confrontation with the same person.
There was a gal at church who was a bit prickly like the pinecone I wrote about last week. She was never happy unless she was running someone down. For the most part I just ignored her. I figured the reason people do that is to build themselves up, so she must really dislike herself.
Then one day I ran into her in a store and we were talking, and all of a sudden she started in on me. Now maybe she’d just had a bad day that day, I don’t know. But I had recently gone through some things that had taken me out of a place where I felt pretty confident to being FULL of self-doubt. Her little tirade left me shattered and teary.
After all these years I can’t even remember what it was. But her barely submerged anger scared the bloomin’ h*ll out of me. She was NOT one of those people who you wanted to be on their bad side! And somehow I had gotten there. I spent the next year turning and running the other way every time I saw her coming at church. I didn’t want to get bludgeoned again! But after awhile I just got tired of carrying that burden, and I began talking to her again.
That was 32 years ago. She just recently had to have her hubby placed in a VA home because of dementia, so I stopped by her place to see how she was doing. You know, the woman STILL to this day intimidates me. But there were no bad feelings. Over the course of that year I had let the whole thing go and forgiven her, but we were never the good friends we once were.
It was a waste of a good friendship. I do my best not to hold grudges anymore. They weigh me down and make me feel bad about myself. It’s so much easier to let things wash over me when I can and just get on with my life.
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THEDAILYPOST Nov 25, 2015
DAILY PROMPT: I Can’t Stay Mad at You
Do you hold grudges or do you believe in forgive and forget?
Impromptu Promptlings 
Hey Gal, I’ve been meaning to stop over and tell you how impactful this post is for me. I have spent soooo much time being pissed and disappointed in myself and others and clutching this poison to my heart like a precious package I’m scared to drop. This post encouraged me to let this go. So thanks for the BEST HOLIDAY GIFT ever! xoxoxoxox
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I’m glad you connected. Boy! You sure have done your own growing and learning the last couple years, haven’t you, girl! It was good to get back in touch the other day, Laurie. Trying to get my act together so I can function properly again! Hopeless, you think? 🙂 But you’re such an inspiration! {{{Laurie}}}
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Hey you, try to tell those critical voices in your head to lay off! You’re doing great and we all have our own journey to work through, no? I am happy I went through the last few years and came out stronger and happier. It’s easy to feel regret for lost time and opportunity, but I’m trying to see it as positive. My missteps forged the opportunities for my life today 😉 xoxoxox
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Yes… You wouldn’t be wonderful YOU without those missteps! ❤
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I don’t hold grudges. I’m part Irish so I get mad fast but also get over it fast. I do tend to ignore or pull back from people that have burned me one too many times. I just don’t need their negativity in my living space. That’s not holding a grudges, that’s just me keeping me happy.
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Sorry I missed this (and some others). My notifications aren’t working right. I just have to keep checking the blogs for new comments.
Well if that’s what it means to be Irish, then I must be. Thank God! And We’re probably REALLY related! Perhaps we plundered and pillaged in a past life? 😀
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Is deciding to have nothing to do with someone who is toxic the same thing as holding a grudge? I’d think it more self preservation. I don’t want to waste my time on someone who is disrespectful. It’s not my job to change them. That’s theirs. More importantly, since I always have been about ‘deciding what to do with the time that is given to me,’ I decide not to give my power up to others. Holding a grudge is giving power to them, since they are controlling how I’m acting. Moving on, and leaving that mess of toxicity behind is self preservation. Don’t know if that makes sense.
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I agree, Fim. In some relationships just walking away and forgetting about the person is the only way to survive with your self-esteem intact. It’s not the same as holding a grudge in my way of thinking…
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Very thoughtful post. I don’t know that I’d describe your situation as holding a grudge, though you of course know best what you were feeling! I’ve had somewhat similar experiences where I have felt badly hurt by someone I did not expect to hurt me, and I avoided contact for a while until I could figure how if, when and how to interact again. OTOH, I’ve also just plain decided I wouldn’t put up with someone any more because I felt their overall behavior toward me and others was unacceptable. So I guess that’s a grudge!
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Thank you for your comments, which I found very interesting.
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Yes, I’ve had that second kind of situation, too. Those can be toxic relationships that can make you ill emotionally and even physically. If a person is lucky you can walk out of that person’s life, cut them off.
In fact, I went to work two years ago for a friend who has a tendency to be very volatile. I should have known better. She was abusive during my time there (tax season). I tried to contact her twice right after the office closed for the season to talk to her about what I felt was her disrespectful treatment of me (and other employees), and she would never return my call. She knew her behavior had been wrong, but she is not a person who apologizes to anyone. I haven’t talked with her since. I just let it go. And I know the relationship was toxic because I haven’t missed her.
Sometimes those toxic relationship are family members, unfortunately. Those are the really hard ones. But I don’t consider these situations as carrying a grudge. For me they are more an act of survival for my own well-being. 😦
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I understand how you feel no point in carrying on grudges but sometimes you can be so hurt so destroyed inside by someone that the only thing that keeps you going is precisely what you should not do “hold a grudge”. One of my Cousins said to me one “I never forget but I do forgive”, well that is nice but I told her “I never forget and I don’t forgive” – there are reasons in one’s life when you find yourself holding a grudge you will never let go of.
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Anna, your family history is rather an exception. I was thinking more along the lines of just people you know, not the ones you’re related to. You more than most, have ample reason to feel as you do about events in your life. I can easily see how sometimes a person needs to keep the negative emotions around them just to insulate themselves so they can survive. {{{Anna}}}
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I was not actually thinking of my lot, there have been people outside of them that have hurt me/stolen from me that I cannot forgive, I try not to but it can make you hard too.
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Yes, it sure can do that.
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I sometimes hold the kind of grudges you hold: fear of confrontation. And it’s interesting that the one I remember was also at church. There was a man who I clashed with over leadership of a church committee. Talking to him was very wearying and made me feel bad. I was the chair, and he was trying to run it over my head. He contradicted me and gave me unwanted advice at every turn. I handed the leadership over to him and walked away. His tenure as chair was not easy. He left not just the committee but the entire church within a year. After he left, I came back and rejoined the committee again (not as chair). He was not missed.
I don’t see this person anymore. I unfollowed him on Facebook, although I didn’t unfriend him. I don’t wish him harm; I honestly wish him well. I think he was (maybe still is) a bit troubled in some way. But I’m still glad I don’t have to see or interact with him anymore and I’m not going to seek him out. I don’t see it as having wasted a good friendship; I see it as having set a healthy boundary.
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Boundaries… THAT is one thing I’ve never been able to enforce in my life. And like you I’m not sad that I don’t have to deal with her any more. I sure appreciate your comment.
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