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blogging101, Family, Journaling, Memories & Reflections, Sandbox Writing Challenge, Uncategorized, Writing 101, Writing Prompts
I’d tried to tell him not to take his new Luke Skywalker figurine to Preschool with him. But he was so proud of it and excited to show it off. Then somewhere on the playground he lost it in the sand — and no doubt someone picked it up. He’d been crying for an hour. To distract him (after telling him we’d go look for another one, which we never did find), I’d taken him to McDonalds and we were now going to the library. I parked on the other side of the street so we could walk through the shade of the park. He continued to cry and repeat the story of Luke’s demise. I continued (in my foolishness off-handedness) to reassure him we’d find another.
I hadn’t noticed the old man sitting on the bench at first. We were passing the park playground, and after one last recounting of Luke’s demise, Bran bounded off to play on the swings for a few minutes. As I stood there and watched, the man spoke up.
“You need to teach him how to let go of that.”
“Excuse me?”
“His lost toy. He needs to learn how to grieve his loss.”
Apparently the old man had heard Brandon repeating his story and taken an interest in it. He moved over on the bench so there was room for two. I sat down where I could keep an eye on Bran.
“I’ll get him a new one,” I said, just to make conversation.
“But you might not. And then he needs to know how to grieve what he’s lost. Not everything comes back to you, you know.”
His words were prophetic, of course, as I never did find another Luke.
“It’s just a toy.”
“Not to him.”
Over the next ten minutes I was the recipient of some of the most profound life advice I’ve ever gotten.
“It’s a mistake, not learning to grieve things. Losses. Big or little. If you can’t grieve well,” he said, “you won’t be able to live well. You’ll never find any peace. I know. I’ve been trying to find some peace since my wife died and my family broke apart.”
His story was that of a father who drank his wife, quite literally, into an early grave, and how their children had abandoned him. Seems he had done everything he could to make things right between him and his kids, but only after 14 years, when he had finally admitted his own culpability in her death, had he begun to grieve his part in it.
“And that’s when I found my peace.”
I nodded, hearing the words of truth in his story, thinking of my difficult relationship with my own mother. Perhaps that’s what I needed to do, I thought. Grieve the loss of the relationship I truly wanted to have with her so I could get on with the way things really were.
He got up from the bench, picked up his crumpled lunch sack and dropped it into the garbage container near by. Turning, he looked me in the eyes and said, “Don’t wait. Teach your boy how to grieve his losses so he can take them in stride.” He looked at me intuitively and finished, “You, too.”
With a wave of his hand and a sad smile, he walked off down the shady sidewalk toward the library leaving me with some life-changing advice that I’m still struggling to come to grips with. But the older I get, the more I can see if I’d been able to let go of things of the past in a healthy way, my life wouldn’t have been lived on such an emotional roller coaster.
I never did get the man’s name, nor he mine, but that was one of the most worthwhile ten minutes I’ve ever spent with anyone. Too bad at 33 years-old I didn’t have enough sense to take him more seriously.
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The Sandbox Writing Challenge 37
Picture Credits:
Old Man — www.heyehey.com
Luke figurine — toyworth.com
Grief path — exhaleprovoice.org
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Fimnora Westcaw said:
Very beautifully done!
As I was reading, I also remembered a blog post I made somewhere back in 2015, also about someone on a bench, though I can’t recall specific details of the post.
I hope I remember for tomorrow’s talk. 🙂
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teamjacksonadventures said:
Such a great post. Such great advice. I am not there yet. Still grieving for the life I have left behind.
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calensariel said:
It was a big change for you, I bet, as a lot of your family still live in Mexico, right?
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teamjacksonadventures said:
No they are all in Southern California. I do have family in Mexico but it’s more distant and twice removed. All my close family- parents, sisters, cousins are in California.
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calensariel said:
For some reason — maybe because of your trip — I was thinking Mexico. So instead you’re stuck in the flatland now???
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oneta hayes said:
Much wisdom here. Good post, thanks.
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calensariel said:
Thank you, Oneta. I consider that a quite a great comment coming from you.
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spiritualdragonfly said:
You tied it all together beautifully C. Really. 😔
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calensariel said:
Thank you, my dear. 🙂
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spiritualdragonfly said:
❤️
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LuAnne Holder said:
This is quite profound and such a captivating read. I do believe you met an angel that day, Lady Calen.
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calensariel said:
😀 I’ve met an angel SOMEWHERE for sure that told me that. That little story, the part of the demise of Luke, was very true — from 33 years ago. The rest was a response to The Sandbox Writing Challenge. I’m so glad you liked it, LuAnne. 😀
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janebasilblog said:
I wish I had understood the grieving process when I was a child. I lost my favourite tee shirt when I was eleven, and I was still looking for it five years later, after two house moves. It wouldn’t even have fitted me by that time! My dog died when I was about ten, and even now, every time I see a Border Collie I search for similarities to my Prince.
I am grateful for this great post, which has helped me to see how hanging on to things, denying their demise, or sometimes pretending it doesn’t matter, has crippled my life.
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calensariel said:
That makes at least two of us, girlfriend… Sigh…
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janebasilblog said:
But where is the book entitled ‘Grief For Dummies,’ or ‘Cycling through Grief, The Scenic Route.’ or ‘Release the Grief – 3 Simple Steps’…
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calensariel said:
‘Cycling through Grief, The Scenic Route.’ Oh Jane! I love it! Do please write it! With your sense of humor it would be a best seller! 😀
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loristrawn said:
Wow.
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calensariel said:
Thank you, Lori, I think? LOL 😀
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bcostello2016 said:
Thank you, Cheryl. I might just take you up on that! I do appreciate those prayers! Our daughter encouraged me to continue to blog as we walk through this but I am concerned it will only increase my anxiety, does that make sense? I need to email you. 😕 In the big scheme of things this is nothing, but to me, it is pretty intense. I AM trying to be more positive about this. Blessings!
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calensariel said:
If it’s important to you, it’s important. Period. Robert Service, Canadian poet and writer said: “It isn’t the mountain ahead that wears you out — it’s the grain of sand in your shoe.” Don’t be afraid of journaling about it. The externalizing of our thoughts and fears takes a little bit of their power away. Plato (from Plato’s Groove) often says it’s not the thing itself that creates the anxiety, it’s the FEAR of it. I’ve found it really helpful to call those fears by name. They don’t like that. But I figure if I can manipulate them enough to put them down on paper, I can get a handle on them. Sometimes it just takes a bit of repeating so they know you won’t put up with their crap! 😀 {{{Brenda}}}
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Opher said:
Very profound. Grief touches us all doesn’t it?
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calensariel said:
In a myriad ways everyday and we don’t even pay attention. I’m thinking someone out to write a ritual or at least a mantra to use for such occasions! 😉
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lisamariagardiner said:
What a wonderful wise old man x touching post xx
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calensariel said:
Thanks, Lisa. 😀 Well, the losing of Luke was the true part. The old man was a vehicle to make a point. I’m learning that point the hard way. That was 33 years ago and I still struggle to grasp it.
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lisamariagardiner said:
Bless you x loads of love xx
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bcostello2016 said:
Awesome piece with enough truth to chew on for a long time! Oh, just think if we had really learned that truth years ago, but it’s never too late to live it out. So often we stuff it instead of grieving the losses of our lives. I am bracing myself for this next major loss. It is looming ahead of us and will soon be here. The grieving has only begun!
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calensariel said:
How soon now?
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bcostello2016 said:
We announced it on April 10, 3 weeks ago, then left for Texas on Sat, April 16th. We have already begun backing out, but our last Sunday will be August 21st, which will be here before we know it. The grief I am already experiencing is pretty intense. While everyone is saddened by this, well, most people, they are happy for us but have no idea of our situation or the terror I am feeling. Oh, so many emotions. Quite truthfully
I have not trusted my emotions to even write about them other than in my journals. I’m simply feeling too raw. 😭😫
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calensariel said:
You will be in our thoughts and prayers. And I’m always here to listen should you wish to talk. {{{Brenda}}}
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